The Coronavirus, Dating Apps & Aliens – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

The Coronavirus, Dating Apps & Aliens – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

(laughter) – As you may already know, I’m going to be leading the
Bernie Sanders Celebrity Roast. (laughter) Bernie Sanders embodies the spirit of the 60s hippie movement. He hates billionaires and shaved bush. (laughter) Ironically, Bernie Sanders is himself in the one percent. Not just in income, but in prostate size. (laughter) Bernie Sanders should not
worry about the coronavirus. After all, he survived the 1918 Spanish Flu epidemic, so he can survive this. (laughter) – Are you guys germophobes lately? Like, you know those long door handles? I don’t touch the middle anymore, I touch way up top. (laughter) But now, every time I
walk into a restaurant it looks like I’m a stripper
who’s starting her dance. (laughter) I don’t just enter, I
create an experience. (laughter) – Every sport has been canceled so men have to just live with themselves. Like, I called my friend up I was like, “What you been up to, man?” He’s like, “I’m just working on me, man.” (laughter) I was like, “Whoa, that’s great, man.” He’s like, “I realize I
got a lot of daddy issues. (laughter) “Lot of jealousy in my life.” (laughter) Pause for another second. “I just wanna tell you I love you, man. (laughter) “I don’t say it enough.” And I was like, “Man,
this is a great virus. “This is a good virus.” (laughter) – You know you’ve had a
dating profile for too long when you start noticing
people’s personal growth. You know what I mean? (laughter) You’re swiping through like, “Oh cool. “Freddy420 went to grad school after all.” (laughter)
– I’m back on the dating apps. I’ve noticed this trend on dating apps. Under education, a lot of girls will put “Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry” as their education. (laughter) Just say you got a GED. What the fuck are we doing, man? (laughter) Why are we out here lying? (laughter) There’s another quote I see
a lot that women love to use and it’s a quote by Marilyn
Monroe, you probably know it. It is, Marilyn says, “If you
can’t handle me at my worst, “you don’t deserve me at my best.” Solid quote. But let’s just recognize that
Marilyn Monroe at her worst is dead of a drug overdose. (laughter) We can probably do a
little better than that. (laughter) We can find a better quote than that. – I went out on a date
with a girl from Bumble and after the date I knew
we wouldn’t meet up again, but I wanted to be nice about it. So I wrote her a message and I was like, “Hey, thanks so much for meeting up. “You know, have a good one.” And she wrote back, “Yes, very enjoyable meeting you as well. “Good luck on all your future endeavors.” (laughter) And I was like, “Did I
just get fired from a date? (laughter) “Is there an HR department I can talk to?” (laughter) – You guys into sexting. I’m not very good at it
and I’ll tell you this, autocorrect will never
help you sext at all. Autocorrect is like Mormon or something, I don’t know what’s going on with it. You’ll try to write something
sweet to a lady, you know. You’ll try to write something like, “Hey, do you wanna sit on my
face, I’ll guess your weight.” You know, something romantic. (laughter) And autocorrect will be like, “Did you mean to ask, ‘Do you wanna bask “‘in the glory of Christ’s light?'” And you’re like, “What?” (laughter) No. I wanna wear this lady like a gas mask. (laughter) And autocorrect’s like,
“Corinthians 3:15.” (laughter) You’re gonna need to send
a hyperlink autocorrect. (laughter) – So the father of my best friend, he told me he has seen a UFO. And I really want to believe him, but he looks like he has seen a UFO. (laughter) I notice that people who see UFOs, they often have long hair. (laughter) It’s never a guy in
like, a suit with a tie. (laughter) With really short hair. He is so career motivated, he doesn’t have time to look at the sky. (laughter) It’s like I noticed that lesbians sometimes keep their hair short. (laughter) And you might disagree
with that observation, but I never met a
lesbian who’s seen a UFO. (laughter) – I Googled by high school
archnemesis the other day. (laughter) We all do it. You Google
people you used to hate to see if their lives suck now, right? (laughter) I Googled my high school archnemesis and the first result was a
mugshot, and it made my day. It made me very happy. (laughter) I was just hoping she was fat now too, but prison like, wow. (laughter) Beyond my wildest dreams. (laughter) Yeah, ’cause I’m petty
and I’m filled with hate. I hold grudges forever. When you’re a grudge holder
people will tell you, “You gotta release that negative energy. “You don’t wanna be carrying
around that negative energy.” I do, it brings me joy. (laughter) Like, if I thought I could
earn a living holding grudges I would quit comedy, I
would rent out office space, and open up my own little grudgery. I would just sit in there
everyday from nine to five. I would hold them. I probably wouldn’t even take lunch breaks because the hate would
fill me up on the inside. (laughter) I would take over other people’s grudges. That’s how much I enjoy it. Like, just come into my
grudgery, give me some money, and tell me the backstory. You know what I’m saying? (laughter) Have a seat, now what
did this bitch do to us? (laughter) – Both my parents are actually immigrants. They’re from the Dominican Republic. They were both born in
the Dominican Republic. So technically I’m Hispanic,
but nobody ever believes me. (laughter) If you looking for it though, the politically correct term for me is actually “Afro-Latino.” And you never heard of that, basically we’re like the next big thing. (laughter) They compare us to Bitcoin in 2011. (laughter) It’s like invest now ’cause the
stock is going up, you know? People didn’t even know we were real. We kind of just popped up one day. (laughter) We’re like unicorns. We can do it all, triple threat. We can dance salsa, speak
Spanish, and say the N-word. (laughter) (heavy synth music)

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  1. Mel Bees

    Bernie is rich as fu*k..he is who he preaches against

  2. Tim

    nice content keep up the good content

  3. Abe S

    Hope Gottfried stays healthy through this!

  4. Comedy Central Stand-Up

    This material was recorded before the Comedy Cellar temporarily suspended shows on March 15, 2020.
    Please stay inside, wash your hands, and take care of each other. And when things get back to normal, go see live comedy. Comedians need your support. #AloneTogether

  5. -Scorpionox -

    Hispanics say the n-word as much if not more than black people.

  6. Adrian

    This ain’t very social distancing of yourselves

  7. Lex Go Financial

    5:12 😂😂

  8. RedSnt

    "Daniel Simonsen" sounds Finnish, has a Danish sounding name, but is in reality Norwegian. Wow.. Where did we go so wrong.

  9. Rooky Music

    That grudgery chick is hilarious

  10. Heaven Sent Hell Proof

    ❤ Comedy Central live, 💔 social distancing is cruel.. Missing you!!

  11. Nathanael Sweeney

    That was hilarious as af???

  12. Fred A

    All solid acts. Nice collection.

  13. bdsaints1986

    Oh please gilbert go to the nursing home already. You're too old

  14. Ricardo Figuera

    But you didn't say nigga, so it defeats your argument

  15. Brian Gates

    “We can dance salsa, speak Spanish, and say the ‘n-word’!”

  16. Jep El Pimp

    Min 6:14 The correct term would be Afro-Dominican , like our people in Ecuador are called Afro – Ecuadorians. 👍🏼

  17. Miloš

    Andy Haynes was the only good one

  18. Grayson

    Why is no one talking about how he voiced iago in Aladdin?

  19. CharlesDaLast -

    Nice to see Dina back. I really wanted to see her do her X joke.

  20. fat imo

    More Gilbert please

  21. A K

    I need to find this woman's Grudgery. I could use a session.

  22. Dennis Dawson

    “Her mugshot made my day !” I gave her a high five. I got left hangin though

  23. fake fake

    1:50 … Dina Hashem and Josh Johnson should date.

  24. Corey Hanson

    Dating Apps spread viruses.

  25. Piotr Mitrega

    Why Dina have nothing new???!!!

  26. Karl Gerber

    I did a show where a nuru massage clinic discussed the precautions they were taking during the Coronavirus:–W4JEU

  27. Sean Otto

    The guy talking about a UFO sounds like he's been in one

  28. Seyi Oyetade

    I enjoy this jokes especially at times like this, something to bring smiles to faces not Corona to faces

  29. 素のまんま


  30. Thunder Beam

    First time seeing Daniel simonsen, give him his own special!!

  31. Michael Gorton

    Holy Mighty Flaming Jesus on a stick, Gilbert Gottfried, you made a joke with the 1919 Great Flu Pandemic! I am sixty four years old and I have never heard anyone make a joke with the 1919 flu in it. It only killed about 10 % of the whole planet thanks to the US Government whose leaders had the same basic science savvy as our Punkin Head. You are a fine human being Gilbert, the finest!

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