Tag Archive : Comedy

/ Comedy

True Love End Independent Film Telugu || Directed By Sreedhar Reddy


*** MUSIC **** *** MUSIC **** The new gold looks good The rice is just as old tastes good. But hunger is not gold, only Rice with rice, The new contacts are good, the paddle bonds are strong But, difficult to fulfil is not new bonds, Friendships of the feet and Founded bonds. But, difficult to fulfil is not new bonds, Friendships of the feet and Founded bonds. But, difficult to fulfil is not new bonds, Friendships of the feet and Founded bonds. That’s why the new contacts do not change, Encourage good bonds. That’s why the new contacts do not change, Encourage good bonds. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Sree…! Take me anywhere from here, I cant live without you. Sree…! Take me anywhere from here, I cant live without you. Tell me where to go?
Take you there. Sree..why you are asking me? don’t you have clarity? Sree..why you are asking me? don’t you have clarity? Speaking with your mother, I had a lot of clarity Speaking with your mother, I had a lot of clarity what clarity you got ? Basically when parents gives a girl to boy and gift of maiden, they Wash the leg and gift of maiden Basically when parents gives a girl to boy and gift of maiden, they Wash the leg and gift of maiden But, for our love, I went and hold your parents legs If your mother accepts, she said your father having a caste feeling If your mother accepts, she said your father having a caste feeling That’s why, take me anywhere..Sree Where to go, Tell me? what we are doing do you think is that correct? will our parents accept it? what we are doing do you think is that correct? will our parents accept it? Do you love me or my family? You are in your family Many people love and marry like us, and once they give birth to a child they think parents will accept Many people love and marry like us, and once they give birth to a child they think parents will accept But they do not think , how they worry once they go with a baby But they do not think , how they worry once they go with a baby *** MUSIC*** For your happiness,
Breaking such relations is not correct For your happiness,
Breaking such relations is not correct Then ? why you love me sree? *** MUSIC*** *** MUSIC*** *** MUSIC*** Hello sree, here is the submission. Yeah Coming..! After seeing your happiness, am sure you will get this job If I have been selected, this company will get profits if have been not selected, then company will be in loss wow..Really ..! you have a good positive thinking nature. If my father have same postiveness like you, surely I use to Become a Ambani. you can become Ambani later. first you prepare for coding questions. you can become Ambani later. first you prepare for coding questions. Coding Huh ? You Know about me. That don’t know the Coding. Yeah I know..! Already I saw in Your Resume. Hey… Come Fast..! Yeah…Coming. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Give Me your Resume? I think he is not this world Now. Ok. Thank You..! ***MUSIC*** Phone Rings… HELLO…. YES…. OK Sir…Coming…! ***MUSIC*** What Mr. Handsome. I think You are seeing Something. What Mr. Handsome. I think You are seeing Something. Am seeing that Girl. Who ? Is that Black Dress Girl ? Who ? Is that Black Dress Girl ? Pink…! So What ? That Girl So Beautiful . Mr. Handsome..! here we came for Interview, Not fo Girls. Not for Wedding gestures. I want to marry her in this moment. Only marriage or else First night too? See How Beautiful She is… After seeing her beauty
The poets have to hold the pen again. See How Beautiful She is… After seeing her beauty
The poets have to hold the pen again. See How Beautiful She is… After seeing her beauty
The poets have to hold the pen again. Oh My god..! For what reason we came here ? what he talking about..! You idiot..! I Wanna talk to that Girl now. Please Help me. Go and ask her Phone Number. anything goes wrong, Security will kick on our A..s & Through out. Be Careful Mr. Handsome ..! Please Leave me. We came here for an interview, if anything goes wrong, Security will kick on our A..s & Through out. Be Careful Waste Fellow…! Waste Fellow…! Mr. Handsome, Hello where you Going..! Dude. Love at First sight. Please Dude…Help me. I want her. Hey..she is going..! If anything goes wrong, security will f** k us. Hey..she is going..! If anything goes wrong, security will f** k us. ***MUSIC*** What this guy is doing there? let see What is he doing here? Oh My God..What he is doing with the phone. Oh My God..! He is recording the register video Oh My God..! He is recording the register video… Oh My great son. He will get Oscar Award Soon. He will get Oscar Award Soon. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Hey, She is Coming. Excuse me..! What are you doing with this Register? Hey..! You know something? Don’t Know what? The Tide surf is now Only 1 Rupee. Huh..! Huh..Did u shocked ? Common escape..! ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Hello… Is this Lavanya? ***MUSIC*** Oh. Good Night ***MUSIC*** Inner Voice : If Not find that girl phone number in this list. what to do. Inner Voice: Think Positive Man. Surely it will be there. Surely it will be there. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Phone Rings…… Phone Rings…… Hello…! Hello…Is this Lavanya? Yeah Am Lavanya tell me? Yes…! Hello Miss Lavanya…! Yeah Who is this? If I say am your Husband, Will You talk to me without disconnecting the call. ? Excuse me. Who the hell are you man. Hey..am not a hell. Am a Heaven. Hey..am not a hell. Am a Heaven. and my name is Sree…Sreedhar. Sreedhar..Who? You don’t know me. But, I know You very well. Love at First sight with You. Just now am imaging our both wedding photos Can I share with you. About that wedding photos memories. Stop now..Plz…! I understood that you are in drunk and dailed a wrong number. Stop now..Plz…! I understood that you are in drunk and dailed a wrong number. Please check the Number and dail the right number. Lol…. I just asked you is this Lavanya and You said yes..! Maye I thought you are in a drunk. Ufff You…Crazy..! Where did u saw me? In the Morning interview I saw you in Pink Dress Ok Fine. Then , How you got my number? That means, morning when you came for an interview, you wrote your phone number in the register. From there I stolen That means, morning when you came for an interview, you wrote your phone number in the register. From there I stolen..! Am also entered my phone number in that register and stolen your phone number. Did u Stolen ? It is not a object to steal ? I mean, Whatever you did is not Correct. Oh Really..! If I ask directly, will you give your phone number You People will Show Sizes. What do u mean ?
I mean your Shoe Size. What do u mean ?
I mean your Shoe Size. I Want You Miss..! For What ? For What Uh…! I think You are Misunderstanding Me..! Stop Nonsense and Come to the Point. Stop talking unnecessarily things and tell me what do you Expecting from me Now ? I LOVE YOU LAVANYA. Tell me, for how many girls you have called and proposed like this..! Tell me, for how many girls you have called and proposed like this..! You people doesn’t have any work to call like this? Oh… Jio sim card is free and Unlimited calls right ? so You are Utilizing in this way. Jio sim card is free and Unlimited calls right ? so You are Utilizing in this way. Hello….! Will You Please Stop It . In my life I called you only , and you’re first and you’re last Am very polite and honest, and you are behaving very harsh Am very polite and honest, and you are behaving very harsh Its ok Cool..! I have a boy Friend. Now, Please Stop It. Bye..! Hello…Hello…! One minute Is It True ? any how think once again. Is It True ? any how think once again. you won’t get a straightforward and loving guy like me you won’t get a straightforward and loving guy like me. So, Don’t tell lie. You wont get honest husband like me. Oh…Really I do not need to tell you a lie..! Sorry…I have a boy friend. Bye..! ***Tension Music*** Mr. Sree… Be Positive We told her what we should say So, Be Positive. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Text message received. Lavanya Text message : Has a Friend am ok. Lavanya Text message: Because I like your frankness. ***MUSIC*** Sree: Typing Message Sree Text Message received Sree Text Message : Sorry Miss Lavanya am not intrested to be has your friend. Sree Text Message : Sorry Miss Lavanya am not intrested to be has your friend. why because, I need You Forever..! why because, I need You Forever..! Am not ready to be ur friend. I treat you like my like my life partner, because I love u so much. I never Change my words. Oh my God…! This guy is too much straightforward..! ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** I like his Character..! Lets do Friendship now. Lets do Friendship now. Lavanya text message : If you Like Continue Friendship with me or else your wish. Lavanya text message : If you Like Continue Friendship with me or else your wish. Sree Text Message received. Sree Text Message : Sorry miss Lavanya, In my life I need only one Girl, she should be like my Friend, Lover, wife Everything. Sree Text Message : Sorry miss Lavanya, In my life I need only one Girl, she should be like my Friend, Lover, wife Everything. My life should be only with that Girl. Bye…! Lavanya Text message: Hello…Mr. straightness, Don’t be like over straightness. First Continue friendship with me let’s see. Yes….! ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Sree..Can I ask you Onething ? Sree..Can I ask you Onething ? Yeah sure. I ask you to be my friend. Why you said no. when I ask you to be my friend. why you rejected? See Lavanya . I just told earlier that in my life only one girl should be there and she should be my friend, lover, wife See Lavanya . I just told earlier that in my life only one girl should be there and she should be my friend, lover, wife See Lavanya . I just told earlier that in my life only one girl should be there and she should be my friend, lover, wife So….. ***MUSIC*** Both of guys take god blessings Priest: Get marry soon, Lavanya and sree laughs for priest blessings. Laughs… See..Even God and Priest not trusting us. That we are friends How come I act has a friend with you..! Ok let’s go. ***MUSIC*** One Chocolate Please..! Phone Rings…! Hi Miss. Lavanya How are You..! Is that Lavanya ? Hi Sree How are You ? Am Fine how about you ? I need a small Help from you. Its My pleasure. Tell me what Help you need. something phishy, Keep quite. May I get job reference at your office..! What about your job ? Am not happy with that job, so I left What? why you left ? See…If you gonna ask questions like this, I don’t required your job. Ok Bye…! Its ok. Your Job Is ready. Book a Cab and Come fast. Is it. Thank you so much. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Finally you confirmed the job to her. Will you tell this matter tell everyone now? My job is safe Right? Yeah don’t worry your job is safe . set a one girl for me All are looking at us. Please go. ***MUSIC*** Excuse me sir..! Come in. Good Morning Sir. Very Good Moring..! Take Your seat. I need a Reference for one of my friend. Ok she is been working in HCL from past 6 months and she suits for our company she is been working in HCL from past 6 months and she suits for our company One second. Calling HR..! Tina…! Come to my cabin. Tina…! Come to my cabin. Excuse me sir, May I come in. Yes Come in..! Excuse me sir, May I come in. Yes Come in..! Tina Take this Resume Interview that Girl. Ok sir ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Mam can I come in. Yes Come in..! Ok sir. Thank you, I will move now. Thank you so much sir. Its ok. ***MUSIC*** Come… Come fast..! Hey. I got selected. wow….! Thank You so much sree. Congrats…. Thank you..! Hey guys Do work, Why you people looking at us. Looks so embarrassing I will send her and come back in a moment. ***MUSIC*** Everyone please assemble. ***MUSIC*** A small announcement. Today we are giving a best employee award of the year A small announcement. Today we are giving a best employee award of the year A small announcement. Today we are giving a best employee award of the year Will you guys guess ? who is that person. Will you guys guess ? who is that person. Sree..sree…sree..sree Claps… Claps… Claps… Claps… I have been trying for this since year. Today it Happened..! Am so happy now. Looking at this. Congratulations sree. Thank You..! I think this is all Because of You. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Hello… Everyone. Regarding our new project sree will give you presentation today. Hello… Everyone. Regarding our new project sree will give you presentation today. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Claps…Thank you..! Thank you guys… Congratulations sree. Thank you..! All the best. Thank you sir. I don’t have enough patience to living with you..! Ur wish then. Let’s Breakup. Leave Me. Just Shut up Guys. I do not understand Lavana..! He has not changed yet Yah..Lavanya. Everything Mistake is mine. are you happy now. Leave me. Yah..Lavanya. Everything Mistake is mine. are you happy now. Leave me. If not? Do u want me to stay with you? You bloody Monkey face. Smoke more cigarettes and die soon. You Bloody Chimpanzee fellow Based on your frustration am smoking. If not I use to die earlier. Did u said me Chimpanzee? Yes, you also teased me right. Waste fellows….! Waste fellows….! Everyday same Issue. Hi Madam. Could you Please stop these guys. Who ? These people..! I called you because, Am unable to control these fellows. Is it ? ok tell me ? let’s have a coffee, What you will have ? Won’t you stop this
confrontation ? Why I called You here..! Do something and stop them. What should I do ? Try to convince that two of them. Why there are fighting each other. He always smokes and she doesn’t like it. Everyday confrontation for this issue, Finally they needs Breakup. Everyday confrontation for this issue, Finally they needs Breakup. Based on silly reasons, they need breakup. Do you think its love ? I strongly felt it’s not a true love…! I strongly felt it’s not a true love…! Hello Excuse me… What you are talking about ? Bro..! You Doesn’t know issue, what exactly happening here. Bro..! You Doesn’t know issue, what exactly happening here. Enough ..! I don’t want involve in this issue. Excuse me…! He always smoke. That I doesn’t like it. Excuse me…! He always smoke. That I doesn’t like it. Instead of me, He Loves cigarette a lot..! So, Based on this reason, I don’t want him. I said many times to stop Smoking. But, he never cares at all. So, I don’t want him. And You….! Don’t Underestimate My love . Should I convince him to stop Smoke. Oh. Really…! Tell me sir . He did not stopped smoke for his girl friend, Do you think if you say he will listen to you. Come on sir carryon. Brother… You have to Stop smoking. Impossible.. For sake of your girl friend your girl friend said, Whenever you like to smoke, she said she will give you a strong kiss every time. what you say ? your girl friend said, Whenever you like to smoke, she said she will give you a strong kiss every time. what you say ? your girl friend said, Whenever you like to smoke, she said she will give you a strong kiss every time. what you say ? ***MUSIC*** Is that ok for you ? ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** I LOVEYOU…! Instead of Smoke Your sweet Kiss more sweet. Infect your Kiss is Highly addicted drug to me. I love you I love you so much. ***MUSIC*** They are lovers, Have to tell them in a cute manner…! Have to tell them in a cute manner…! Have to tell them in a cute manner…! Love can change any addictions easily. *** MUSIC*** *** MUSIC*** Is it Clear…! Laughs… Inner Voice : What a Statement. Inner Voice : He is the Right person for me..! ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Hmm… We are in a Peaceful place, Tell me Now ? We are in a Peaceful place, Tell me Now Seems like you’re spending a lot of time with Sree You are not even coming for lunch! What’s the mater, ha? Hey, It’s nothing like that. Been a little busy Are you busy with work… or busy with Sree? Hey, Stop it. Is that Love? Hmm, yeah! That is the reason behind, I joined in his office I want to know about him…. And want to stay in his life forever Uhh…is it? I think its went so far… Uhh…is it? I think its went so far… Is this goes until marriage? Why, do you have any doubt? Why, do you have any doubt? Hmm, nothing like that. It’s okay. Lets test him now. Call casually to Sree and ask him to marry you. Let’s see what he gonna says. Call casually to Sree and ask him to marry you. Let’s see what he gonna says. If his Love is not true ? Definitely he say some reasons and escape. If his Love is not true ? Definitely he say some reasons and escape. What? Hey call him, It’s time to test for his Love now. Let’s see how much he Loves you! Wash the undercarriage correctly. Hello! Hello! Yeah Madam, What is it? What are you doing? Came for servicing, what is it? Do you Love me? What? Say it, Do you Love me? I’m telling you that from the start, you are the one who is saying that you have a Boyfriend I’m telling you that from the start, you are the one who is saying that you have a Boyfriend No…. I Don’t have any Boyfriend I said that so no one will love me That’s why I lied……….I’m so sorry for it It’s Okay, but why are you saying that now? Sree, I love you a lot Will you Marry me? Yeah I will. Then what do you say to your Parents? Right now I will tell them Then, Will your Parents accept if we get Married today? What? Huh, Will you Marry me Today itself? What are you thinking? Nothing, I will Marry you Okay! I will share the Location in WhatsApp, come soon Okay Hey..He is coming. Let’s see What gonna happens? Lets enjoy till the last Knot. Will do something at the last moment. Let’s see either he come or not ? R u sure… May be. is that sure ? I saw many tests for Love. But, This test looks very interesting and thrilling and am excited too…. I saw many tests for Love. But, This test looks very interesting and thrilling and am excited too…. I saw many tests for Love. But, This test looks very interesting and thrilling and am excited too…. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Shit… Temple has been closed. Intentionally you brought to closed temple? So, you have fear about Marriage right ? ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Aunty…! Can I get a Thread ? Yeah.. Give it to me. And also need Bridal goods for wedding. And also need Bridal goods for wedding. Yeah…! Thank You. ok… Keep the change.. Can I get that Water Bottle ? Thank you. This guy is very serious about marriage. I think he will marry you now. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** *** Hindu Traditional Wedding Music *** Hey.. stop it ? I never say you lie. I always be honest with you.
I’ll be the same forever. I never suffer you in life. I will be with you in every emotion If you get difficult from me… Am Behalf of you..! For sake of you, , I don’t care to leave you..! I don’t care to leave you..! But, Has a Husband I promise you that day would not come..! But, Has a Husband I promise you that day would not come..! I Love You Lavanyasree..! ***MUSIC*** Sree… Stop the car once..! Why madam ? Please Stop..! OK.. ***Flute Music*** What happened madam ? Tell me what happened ? Hey..Hey What is this ? You first get up..! What are you doing madam ? Both are gets emotional. ***Music*** ***Music*** I didn’t expect That you have this much of love on me? ***Music*** ***Music*** ***Music*** Oh my God..! If Leave them like this, They will do First Night here. Oh my God..! If Leave them like this, They will do First Night here. ***Music*** Hmm. Hell…Hello… Will guys Stop it your romance its a road. Hmm. Hell…Hello… Will guys Stop it your romance. Am here..! While seeing you people this like, Am going Mad. Common let’s Move from here. However you both are married. So, you guys can play this romance some other place. However you both are married. So, you guys can play this romance some other place. My Husband. My wish..! Oh. Really ? You guys are Married. Then
When is the First Night? Shall we Move ? ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Rain Falling sounds… Hello. My dear Husband..! I will say to My mother
About our love today. Will she accept ? Hope she respond positive. So, Our Re- Might be our Re- Marriage should Celebrate Grandly. Get.. Ready. Surely, Will ur Mother Accept about our Love ? Don’t worry, Am here…! Ok done. Come fast. Am waiting for You. Ok Bye. Bye…! OK done. ***MUSIC*** Mom…. Mom..! Tell me what ? I Love One guy called Sree. Is he is Our Caste ? No. You know about your Father. He will Kill You. Mom, If you see this guy, am sure you will accept, because he a nice and honest guy. See Lavanya…! To love a person, Love is not enough, parents and Society should be there to accept that love. To love a person, Love is not enough, parents and Society should be there to accept that love. To love a person, Love is not enough, parents and Society should be there to accept that love. You Don’t have that Option. So, Leave it… ! Mom…Without Sree I cant leave. Its ok, Call him once I want to talk to him. Its ok, Call him once I want to talk to him. Ok..! Hello…Aunty..! Hello…! Take your seat How are you Aunty ? I’m fine before I hear about you..! After hear about you, I am like this. Aunty…! I like Lavanya very much.! Yeah…! Already she said. What about your Opinion ? Nothing more for me than my daughter. I’ll do your marriage. But, I can not imagine people death, After you both Marriage. What did u said ? Caste feeling is more then a Life to a man My husband have more casting feeling
It’s not like death, it’s like killing My husband have more casting feeling
It’s not like death, it’s like killing. Finally, if it’s his daughter too Finally, if it’s his daughter too…! What are you talking Aunty ? Normally, You use Your casting for a Job or a study purpose. But, My husband use caste feeling from milk man to parliament But, My husband use caste feeling from milk man to parliament He live for the caste. He cannot agree other caste milk man to get milk. Just imagine how he think about his daughter’s Husband …! He cannot agree other caste milk man to get milk. Just imagine how he think about his daughter’s Husband …! Caste feeling is his Life. Aunty ? Please Aunty..! You have to help me . What is this My dear, Please get up First. I want Lavanya Aunty. Please Aunty. What is this Please get up first. Please Aunty. See… Mr. Sree I can Understand how much you Loves Lavanya. We have to wash a person legs(As per Indian Wedding Tradition) and give us our daughter. But, Here you came up and
Hold the legs to get our daughter. I can understand How much you loves My daughter. But, Even If I accept also. lavanya father never accept your love.. Sree Am sorry. Aunty am Requesting you to please Convince him. I can’t live without Lavanya. Its Impossible sree…! Mom….! You Just Shut Up..! You Just Shut Up..! OK, After you people get marry, what you will do? We will be more happy forever. Always you want your happiness is that enough..! parents never judge the character of their kids while birth. If they Judge, Today You guys are like this If they imagine. Today you are not supposed to be here. If they imagine. Today you are not supposed to be here. Aunty…I Wanna Say you One thing..! I love Lavanya so much. Either caste or anyone, Whoever comes I never Leave Lavanya. I need her. I wont Leave her Hand. I will do war for her and get in my life and make her Happy…! Oh…Really..! You will Marry her and make happy. This does not happen I will tell you, you just listen what exactly gonna happen. If Lavanya father Comes to know about your marriage. Either he kills you or Lavanya. Either he kills you or Lavanya. If he kills you, Lavanya will die for you. Is she Lavanya dies. Then , I will die for her. Mother sentiment right ? If I dies. Then, Lavanya father gonna die. If I dies. Then, Lavanya father gonna die. Father sentiment right ? This is what going to happen…! To avoid this situation, can I tell you some other way. If you think in a big mind and leave love Lavanya marriage with her brother in law going to happen in a month. I know It hurts a lot. But, after Lavanya marriage with other person, she will forget you by showing that person love. She will for get You…! Soon you also Get a good girl in your life. Beautiful girl. Honest and understanding girl. Even you will get a good and honest girl in your life, once she shows her love on you. Then you can forget Lavanya easily Even you will get a good and honest girl in your life, once she shows her love on you. Then you can forget Lavanya easily you can meet happily in the same house after 10 years along with your kids. you can meet happily in the same house after 10 years along with your kids. you can meet happily in the same house after 10 years along with your kids. Had a experience on this. so please understand. Had a experience on this. so please understand. Aunty ? Listen sree. You have two Options In front of you. 1. With feelings 2. Living with life 1. With feelings 2. Living with life You have to take the Decision now. I think you understand the family feelings and emotions. I think you understand the family feelings and emotions. And also, Think about your family once. Think about your family once. Its ok Aunty..! I will Leave your daughter. Sree..! Lovers should get good life, should not kill..! Am leaving…! SREE… Please wait…! sree. Mom please stop him…! ***MUSIC*** Are you getting fear ? If I have fear, How could I marry you. Why did you love me ? I thought to leave with forever. But now that it does not happen. What you wanna say me now ?
What am I going to do..! Whatever Your mother said , lets follow the same and Let’s kill our Love. Whatever Your mother said , lets follow the same and Let’s kill our Love. Let’s protect the family. I can’t stay without you sree…. I love you so much. ***MUSIC*** Even I can’t stay without you. Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Even I can’t control my tears. How can you stay without me ? How can you stay without your wife. We are sacrificing our love. We are sacrificing our love. We are sacrificing our love. We are sacrificing our love. We are sacrificing our love and giving happiness to our family…! We are sacrificing our love and giving happiness to our family…! Take me anywhere Sree…! Take me anywhere sree..! ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** Hey… I will wait for you forever and ever. I will wait for you forever and ever I will wait for you forever and ever. Will you convince you family. Do you have
Confidence that they will agree. I will wait for you forever. But, my father wont accept. My marriage got fixed with my brother- in-law. My marriage with in 2 months. Please sree take me anywhere.. I can’t leave without you. ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** What do you want me to do now. Tell me ? Huh….! What do you want me to do now. Tell me ? You have tied this sacred thread. So, please remove this knot..! You have tied this sacred thread. So, please remove this knot..! ***MUSIC*** ***MUSIC*** I never say you lie..! I will be Honest with you and I will be like me. I never suffer you in life. I will be with you in every emotion. If you get difficult from me… Am Behalf of you..! For sake of you, , I don’t care to leave you..! For sake of you, , I don’t care to leave you..! But, Has a Husband I promise you that day would not come..! But, Has a Husband I promise you that day would not come..! But, Has a Husband I promise you that day would not come..! I Love You Lavanyasree..! ***SAD BGM*** ***SAD BGM*** ***SAD BGM*** I LOVE YOU LAVANYA…! ( Sighs ) ( Sighs ) ( Sighs ) ***LOVE*** There is no religion caste..! why because… It is related to the hearts..! But religion and caste related to the man. In Fact With mad trap, man Created religion and caste. In Fact With mad trap, man Created religion and caste. Lovers are buried in a beautiful relationship of love. How many people died in this trap..! Finally many families is in depression. Few people Understand the situation and sacrifices their love and happy with their family. Few people Understand the situation and sacrifices their love and happy with their family. They killed their pain and happy with their family Now..! In fact love is a beautiful emotion. But in reality our love is to live a life but not to die..! But in reality our love is to live a life but not to die..! Who was understood situation and lives with their family happily. Each of these beautiful lovers dedicates this picture to them. TRUE LOVE END PART 2 COMING SOON. TRUE LOVE END PART 2 COMING SOON.

Why You Should Skip College, Giving Up & The Real O’Reilly | Dennis Miller | COMEDY | Rubin Report


– If I was telling a
kid right now, I’d say, brother unless,
brother and sister, unless there’s a super
serious thing you can get a degree in that
you can you exchange for green rectangles, don’t go. ‘Cause half the people
going in right now are getting degrees
that mean nothing. (serious music) – I’m Dave Rubin and this
is “The Rubin Report”. Reminder, everybody,
subscribe to rubinreport.com if you wanna get
all our videos early and totally ad-free. And more importantly,
joining me today is a stand up comic and host
of “Dennis Miller Plus One”, on the RT Network, as well as the “Dennis
Miller Option” podcast. Dennis Miller, I’ve already
said your name three times. – What’s up, Rubes?
– Welcome to “The Rubin Report”.
– Beautiful pad, here, man. I’m trying to read. You can tell a
man by his books– – How am I doing?
– And his tchotchkes. I see you’re a Carlin fan,
which I find endearing. – Of course.
– A little Steven Pinker, NBA. I think your
detractors would say this indicates you’re
moving rightward towards John Birch
participation. on the the bottom.
(Dave laughing) Where do you have
the map centered out? And that odd confluence
between South America and, or the globe, I should say, South America and Africa
where it’s split up. And now, I have a theory. It looks like they were
together at one point– – Yes.
– And they split apart, and obviously the west coast
of Africa with Ivory Coast, Liberia is the most contentious
place on the planet, and I think that’s a
sudden hard drive tremble from way back where a guy
went out into his yard in Liberia once and said,
Honey, what’s this crack? And then two weeks later–
– Next thing– – It was another continent.
– I’ve oft wondered how Pangaea split.
(Dennis laughing) Now I have a little–
– There you go. – Yeah, I’m giving you a little something
of everything here, ’cause we got lefties,
we got righties. Look, I got an American flag
in the control room over there. – And I love the map. I always love to have
a map in my studio to feel situated.
– Yeah. So you got two shows, you’ve
done a bajillion things. I said here right before, I’m not even gonna use notes. I try not to really
look at my notes when I talk to
most guests anyway, but I thought I’d just sit
down and see what happens. You kinda just
need to be wound up and then you go, right? – Well, you know what? But I tell you as I get older, I need to be wound
up and let go less. I’m just, listen,
it’s contentious now. I was more of a, I
don’t wanna use the, it’s a tired term, fire brin, but I was more willing
to engage, lock antlers, when I was young. I don’t think people are gonna
change their minds anymore. I don’t wanna be
the carnival barker on some freak show. People were split. We’ll find out where we go
each way at each election. In between, it’s
gonna be contentious. At age 66, I don’t
wanna wake up every day and fight with people
about stuff they’re not gonna change their
mind on anyway. So when I get going, I
like to put on a good show. You’re Spanky and our
gang, let’s put on a show, but I don’t need to get
going as much anymore. – So you’re like an evolved
political satirist or something. – I just, I used to dig the game when you could budge somebody. An angster. I didn’t need them to come over. I never thought that
you’re gonna talk to somebody and they were
gonna desert their core beliefs and come over your way. But at least you could
see them mulling. I think mulling’s gone. I could see hmms gone. It’s just now,
everybody’s dug in. – I’m trying, man,
I’m trying over here. – Nah, I appreciate it. But like I said, you’re
in your 40s, right? I would have probably
fought to fought more then. But I’m telling you what, you seem like just the
time we talked before, you seem like a smart enough cat that somewhere down the road
I can’t see you fighting it into the barn. Seem to be loving,
a beautiful family in the picture out
here, got a great place. You’re kicking ass and
taking names, career wise. Yeah, you should do it now. But at some point,
the harvest is, what are you gonna do? I’m into getting up and
reading, taking a hike, having a good meal,
appreciating the fact I married the most beautiful, witty,
charming girl I ever met, adoring my sons,
watching some baseball and then reading as
I fall off to sleep. – Is that a tough thing,
though, for a comic to have to face?
– No, not for me. – No, but do you think
for most comics, that’s, like, you almost
have to fear that? – I don’t know.
– Do you fear the okayness, ’cause you won’t have the fuel? – It’s a comedian, it’s a job. Yeah, I was never very, I don’t view show
business as some Sword from the Stone moment
where you’re anointed. It’s a job. I grew up in Pittsburgh. And my job, what
I was good at was, I would think jokes up. And then I’d try
to give those jokes to somebody else to do
and I found I didn’t have the ego for that. Once I saw somebody
do a joke I thought, up on “The Tonight Show”
and Carson laughing, I thought, “I’m
not built for this, “I better become the
unlikely conduit.” But I’ve never thought of myself as the Silver Surfer comedian.
– Yeah. – And so no, I don’t have
any moment pangs or anything, oh, I wish I was in the frame. It never was like that
when I was in the frame. – Were you always political? ‘Cause I think, I–
– No, once you get that job on “SNL”, you have
to become political. – Yeah, so weren’t
political before that? – I used to be a prop comic. I remember working with, I was never quite
Carrotopian, but I– – Is that an actual word? I think that’s probably
in the dictionary now. That’s depressing. – I did props when
I first started, ’cause I thought,
visually, that way. But then I remember I
couldn’t fit the props in the overhead. I had slight props. And then I thought, “I’m not
gonna wait a half an hour “at a revolving carousel “for a toilet seat–
– Right, for some inflatable. – “I could put on my head
and say alas poor turd”. So I ditched out on that,
started writing jokes. Like I said, sold a
couple to other comedians, saw them do them and score
with them and thought, “I’ve gotta be the guy”. So like I said, it was very, I didn’t have a whoosh,
whoosh thing about stand up. I remember thinking, “Okay,
this is a good career.” Kind of a decision.
– So when you get the “Weekend Update”
situation, the “SNL” situation, then it sort of like,
it was political. What year did you
start at “SNL”? – Somewhere in the ’80s.
– Somewhere in the– – That’s what I mean, though. I’m not doing that deliberately. – It’s funny, yeah.
– I just, I remember I was–
– Maybe in, like, ’89 or something? ‘Cause I’m trying to remember. ‘Cause you on “SNL”,
that class was like my formative comedy year class. – Yeah.
– So I was, like, 12, 13, around
then, and I think, I think maybe like ’89
or something like that. – Well some people choose–
– Was it even before that? – To think of themselves
as comedic visionaries. I choose to think of ourself as ushering kids through puberty. We were the, if you
were 12 or 13 (laughs) that’s all we were. That was our 15 minutes
off from jerking off. – Yeah, but you guys did it.
– “Weekend Update”. – See, I made it out okay. – But I remember I
was in Baltimore, and I had auditioned for
“SNL” maybe a month before. And then I remember
they picked the cast. “USA Today” had the
picture of them. I wasn’t in it, I was
still in Baltimore. And I was so tough
at that point, because on your way up
you have to be tough. You did stand up in
New York 12 years. I was a gladiator. And I remember
seeing that picture. I didn’t have a
crestfallen thing. Ah, I think I came
close to that. All right, keep going. Then I was up doing “Letterman”. And somebody came into the
“Letterman” dressing room and said, listen,
Lorne Michaels wants to see on you eight, or no,
17, where his office was. And I said, gees, I
knew something was, he’s not calling me
down to revisit me to tell me why he
didn’t give it to me. – Yeah, you’re really
not getting it. – But I’m thinking
maybe I get a shot on it as a comedian
or something. Like Steven Wright
would come on, Sam once in awhile. So I went down, I knew it
was gonna be something good, but then I walked
in and I remember, it’s one of those moments
that stick in your head. Lorne sits at the
end of the thing, he’s got one of those
green domed glasses, lights on his desk
that gives it that Arthur Conan Doyle feel. And he’s got the
quarter glasses on, reading scripts or something. And over his shoulder is
the Empire State Building. And I remember it being,
like, red, white, and blue. And it wasn’t 4th
of July or anything, but he looks up and he
goes, “Hey, Dennis Miller.” And I go, “Hey, Lorne.” And he says, “How would you
like to do ‘Weekend Update'”? And I said, “I’d
like that a lot.” And he said, “I’ll see you
tomorrow at around 11.” I said, “All right, sir.” I walked out and I
remember thinking, I’m not a big drinker,
but I remember thinking, “I’m gonna go get four
fingers of something brown “on the rocks and
knock this down, “’cause this is pivotal.” And that was magical. I don’t wanna act like I’m
sitting over here like Rasputin. I’m talking about stand up, I was kinda step-by-step,
Maginot line, move it six inches, fall
back four, move it four. But when that happened,
I remember thinking, “All right, take some
mental Polaroids here, “don’t be blase about this, “’cause that’s it’s
own defense mechanism.” This is a big deal. Chevy Chase did this. You’re gonna do it now. Enjoy it ’til you either become
a success or get whacked. So I did enjoy it along the way. I took all those moments. And the first time
you sit in that seat and they count you down. I just thought, all
right, I might go out but I’m going out
on my shield here. – So even though you
weren’t purely political, they pegged you for that. Is that what you wanted?
– I did some topical stuff. – Did you wanna do more?
– I wanted any hook. I’m not a character guy. I used to try to stay out
of the “SNL” sketches. ‘Cause when you’re
with geniuses, Carvey’s a comedic
genius, Lovett’s, sketchwise, a genius, Phil,
the ultimate clue guy. I mean the only guy,
I never thought I’d see a guy like Denny, and Phil
got in the realm with him, and always thought,
well, this is a serious, Mike Myers comes in. So you got four leads there
who could kill the ball. I’m the fifth guy in a sketch, I’m the bartender saying,
here’s your gimlet, and yet, I gotta be there
blocking it for 3 1/2 hours. So I used to go around
and say to the writers when they wrote me in,
I’d say, don’t put me in. I wanna be like the DH. I wanna pick a rock song,
swing the weighted bat down the tunnel, come out and
hit the ball for 10 minutes. – And by the end
you had that, right? – Yeah, it was a groovy job. And I used to,
I’ve probably been in around a dozen
sketches over the years. And they were ones
where I thought, “oh, this is good. “I should stay in this
’cause I wanna see this “when I get older.” “It’s a Wonderful
Life”, the next chapter. You knew when something
was gonna be a big hit. But by and large
I was really happy to have just “Weekend Update”. – I’m sure you’ve been
asked this a million times, but what do you think
it is about “SNL”, or the ages, or the collection, or the level of talent
of all the people that there’s so much tragedy
around the cast members? – I’d have to back
and study that. Is there?
– Well, I mean deaths, and drug use, I
mean, well I guess, drug use, drug use is
just Hollywood, but yeah. Yeah.
– John, Chris. I don’t know, I’d like to
see the actuary tables. I always hear this thing. – Yeah, oh so you don’t even
think that there’s anything? – I met a lot of
healthy people there. There were a few guys
who I coulda met working in a hardware store
where I’d know– – That had it rough, too.
– Reading about him someday. (both laughing)
– All right, fair enough. I didn’t think you
were gonna say that. – Well, and I just say I
don’t remember it that way. – Something about the
pressure of live, maybe? I don’t know, something.
– You know, all that stuff seems
contrived to me. – Hmm.
– You’re working as an entertainer in some way, and all of a sudden you’re on
the best entertainment vehicle for young people in the
world, quite frankly. Now, you can spend your days
sitting in a room thinking, “Oh, my stomach
hurts, I’m schpilkis, “and I gotta go get loaded”, or you can just get on
with it and have a blast. And it is scary. And there were weeks it felt
horrible when you’d go badly. That’s any gig. But that whole crash
and burn thing, it’s so far from that. If somebody would
have said to me, at the end of the day
this is gonna cause you to do yourself in, I’d have
said I’m not taking the job. It’s not that magical
kingdom to me. – What would you have done? If it wasn’t for comedy?
– I would have liked to maybe be a shrink.
– Yeah? – I don’t know. Maybe not anymore
because things that used to interest me about people, their psychological
tales now have turned into blatant whining.
(Dave laughing) So I don’t think it’d be
a good shrink for today to have people come in and say, I got in a fight when
I was in fourth grade. And you go, you’re fuckin’ 70. Wake up. But at the time I thought
that might be interesting. What else did I wanna do? I never even thought like that. But if I said anything,
I’d say a shrink. – Yeah, so what do
you make of the way everything’s changing right now? You’re doing a show on RT. You got a podcast. Everyone’s got a podcast. So you’ve shifted around. You were on cable news for years doing your thing with O’Reilly. What do you make of the way
just the media landscape is changing, and how
everyone gets everything in a different way?
– Well, I’ll tell you what. It might be my inner pragmatist, but I never even say
everybody’s got a podcast. I’d say there’s
tens of thousands of
people have a podcast. You probably whittle
that down to a thousand that are even worth
getting into the business and seeing if you dig it. You probably get down to 100
that really are completely in sync with the PITA principle. They’re maxing it out,
whatever talent they have. You get down to around two
dozen that are killing it. I think you’re in
that two dozen. – Thanks.
– So I don’t disparage it with that everybody
has a podcast. Until everybody
has a podcast, no. There’s a bunch of
people throwing scat
up against the wall. There’s a bunch of
people trying it. I would try it,
too, if I was young and I didn’t know
if it was talented. It’s a great thing. It’s like you used to jump
up at an open mic night, why not do a podcast? But the simple fact is,
I view the attrition rate as much the same as any other
aspect of show business. – Yeah.
– I mean, look at it, brother,
you’re killing it. And for me to just say
everybody’s got one, no, you got one.
– Well, I guess, yeah, I guess, I’ll take the–
– Well, that’s what they think.
– I’ll take the compliment. Well, I guess the–
– It’s math. – Right, right, so the
barrier to entry is low. But yeah, it doesn’t
mean you’ve got something that’s really cookin’.
– Barrier to entry should always be low.
– Yeah. – Anybody can jump in and
try anything they want. Show business is no magic,
or I’ve said magic kingdom, no exalted higher plane. It’s showbiz, it’s you going
out to strangers and saying, let me either make you
think, cry, or laugh. That’s all it is at
the end of the day. People have always been
interested in that. Town criers. People, “Seventh Seal”, Joey
Rod doing the puppet shows to the paupers. I don’t know, to me it seems
like a hard drive issue. I’m sure there was somebody
sitting around the mud pit way back when,
when in Kubricktown when somebody came in with a
femur and cracked the other, and I’m sure there
was some guy trying to do a rye rejoinder
to the other ape having their head
crushed in. (laughs) Folks, I wanna tell you it’s
been around since day one. So I don’t know, I was drawn to, to me, it should be an
easy point of entry. It shouldn’t be that high a bar. It’s just you trying
to entertain people. – Yeah, so what really
interests you these days? Like, what’s really exciting?
– I’m trying to read everything PG
Wodehouse ever read. I hike. Let’s see, I’m trying
to teach myself to not, active fame’s pretty, it
comes at you fast and furious. Speaking of Kubrick,
it reminds me of Keir Dullea at the end
of “2001” where it’s just. So you can’t always be–
– That’s what the whole world feels like right
now, doesn’t it? – Yeah, you’re in a chute,
man, a wind tunnel test, and it’s flying.
– Yeah. – So you can’t always
be lucid about it. I think that if you’re on
the planet for 85 years, the front end of that 20, and there’s guys like
Eddie who beat it, but usually ’til 20
you’re anonymous. And the last 10 years
you’re probably, so 30 of those out, you
got a half a century. If you get any part of
that where you’re famous and you’re actually
seated at a nice table, where strangers come up to
you and say, you’ve won. (Dave laughing)
And to try to think, this is the way life
should be, it isn’t. So when you say,
what are you doing, I’m trying to, what
do they call it? Mindfulness. But that’s almost falling
into its own cliche. I’m trying to be aware of
what a great run I had, and I might be in the (speaking
foreign language) of that, and that’s fine. But you can see when you
even mention it to people where you say, I don’t
think I was hot as I was. I don’t know if I’ll
ever be that hot again, people kinda wince
and go, oh, I think. I mean it sincerely. I think the examined
life is everything. And I wanna examine my life. I wanna feel legit here as I,
hopefully another 30 years, get it into the barn, I wanna analyze what part of me, which was a shy kid, ends up
getting braggadocios enough to try showbiz,
hits the ball hard, and I think I inhabited
that plane pretty well. And now, not as hot, I wanna inhabit that
plane just as well. It’s equally valid. I–
– I love the answer. I mean, that’s as honest
as it can get, I think. – Well, I like that. I never predicated on me riding into the sunset with
the key light on me. Listen, you have your moment. It’s hard to, I don’t know, I don’t know far
you’re into it now, you told me you did
12 years of stand up, so I know you’ve got some
hard riding under your belt. – I stood on a lot
of street corners. – And you’re killing it now. But I don’t know
that humans are built to keep it up, ’til they’re, all of a sudden
you’re Larry Sanders doing the show at
seven and going, I don’t mean Gary, I mean–
– Yeah, no, you mean Larry. – Yeah, I mean Larry
Sanders going back and laying in bed and
watching the repeat. That four hours
between live show and watching it on
the East Coast feed, there’s just no life.
– Yeah, yeah. I think about it sometimes, even though I’m sorta right
in the thick of it right now. It’s like when things
change, or I change, or family expands, or
whatever it is that, like, will I wanna do
it at this level, or you deal with a
certain amount of hate, or any of those
things, you know? – Well, you’ll only find out–
– There’s only one way to find out.
– I don’t wanna sound like I’m on “The Bachelor” on your trip, but all I know is
it was never my trip to take it all the way. And at some point I
remember thinking, it’s like base camps on Everest. And all of a sudden
you’re planting a flag, you’re thinking, “How the
hell did this happen?” And then all of a sudden
when you’re at six base camp and you’re boiling
water with the Sherpa, they say, we’re not gonna let
you make the climb tomorrow, you go, okay, I’m
gonna get cozy in here with Tenzig Norgay
the fourth. (laughs) I’m fine with that. They start moving me down the
mountain, I had a big run. – Do you think most people
are afraid of that, sort of? And that is why
everyone is kinda nuts? Like, we’re all sort
of afraid of trying to figure out what would
make us actually happy? So we get obsessed with
whatever the news cycle is, or whatever else? – I don’t wanna
give you pat answer, then I turn into the
guy in the second row– – Don’t be that guy.
– At a Tony Robbins thing. I’m not as scared shitless
of anonymity as some people. If I fall back into that, I’m gonna examine that in the
same way I examined being, I don’t know, I remember the first two
years of being famous. Maybe this was a tell. And when I say famous,
folks, where’s the camera? I don’t wanna sound
like an asshole. I’m just saying
you end up famous. I remember spending
two years up front not even being
able to focus on it because I would notice it, I
would be too pleased with it, the pragmatic side of myself
would castigate the side that was too pleased with it, the other side would
come in and defend me against the mean side. Say, okay, come
on, he’s just got, and I’d say, I’m spending 12
hours a day figuring this out. And at some point I remember, it’s like an algebraic
equation, cancel terms out. It just is. It doesn’t mean
anything, in a weird way. Are you a good dad? Are you a good friend? And I’m not saying I am. As far as friends,
I’m a little distant. But I’m just saying
there are so many ways to shoot your life through. And when you’re in it, it
takes all your attention, ’cause you gotta
stay laser focused. I always view fame
like it’s a party. All of a sudden you’re outside and it’s like those old
Warner Brothers cartoons where the house has
got notes coming out. ♪ Da, da, da, da, na, na, na ♪ All of a sudden
you get in the door and you, like, stay
against the wall and it’s a Saurti’s caricature. Every, it’s like a
last supper of fame and you’re pressed
against the wall looking at it, like, holy shit. You edge into the party,
and then all of a sudden, the sweet spot is
halfway into the party. And then you, like,
have two seconds there and then you realize half the
party’s happening behind you and you don’t know who’s gonna
“Y tu Brute” in the sauna. And eventually you get
through to the other wall and go to the bathroom. So at some point I always
had that in my head from the first
moment that I got it. And so I’m not disappointed. It always seemed to have a
natural shelf life to me. – Yeah, so I don’t wanna do
the greatest hits with you ’cause I wanna do sorta
where you’re at now. But so when you, then,
start doing “O’Reilly”, and then suddenly
people are going, wait a minute, this is the
“SNL Weekend Update” guy. He’s like this sort of,
like, hip, cool, lib kinda. Suddenly you’re on “O’Reilly”.
– I was as hip or cool, or as not hip and
cool, I was the same. – But the optics of it. Now, suddenly, wait a minute,
this doesn’t make sense. He was on “SNL” and now
he’s on evil Fox News. This is not my opinion,
this is just sorta like– – Yeah, well, people have to
figure their own thing out. – Yeah, but did you
fear that at all? Or even, none of it?
– No, no. – Interesting. – Listen, man, I was on
the number one rated show on cable, I think,
Bill for 20 years. I was doing six minutes a week. It was a beautiful gig. We’d go out on the
road once a week, or once a month, we’d sell
10,000 seats. (laughs) – Crazy. Could you believe that? Could he believe it? – We definitely were a one
plus one equals three thing. ‘Cause on my own I’d probably,
at that point draw two. I don’t know what Billy was
drawing, but probably two. But you put us together and
the Mutt and Jeff of it, it always reminded
me of that scene in the Chaplin movie, not
saying we were Chaplinesque, where Charlie puts his
foot behind his leg and he kicks the guy who’s
working the border guard thing, or the guy at Ellis Island
kicks him in the butt. I was doing that to O’Reilly. And the key moment in
that relationship was when I told Bill, you’re
like a big Mick beat cop, Irish beat cop, where
you’re spinning that stick, everybody’s scared
shitless of you, and I’m gonna call you
Billy instead of Bill. That why was a great move. Because all of a
sudden the power, the monolith is being poked fun
at by the Mutt and Jeff guy. And it was cool. That’s why it worked
together is ’cause I could make him laugh, an
unguarded laugh periodically, and I could poke fun at
him, I could call him Billy, I could wear shorts on his show, which I’d put my leg up and
he’d say, do you not have pants? All that worked. And that’s why–
– Were you doing a lot of those hits from home? Did you have a home
situation, or were you going into Fox affiliators often?
– No. I went over to this place
called the Rubin Studios. No, I, we did it up in Santa
Barbara in another studio. We were always on
a split screen. It was so funny, until we
started going on the road people would say, you and Bill,
like we’re Hope and Crosby. I said, I’ve met
him twice. (laughs) We’re always on split screen. But over the years,
I’ll tell you what. I’m relatively
ill-at-ease socially. I don’t know what that is, I
don’t wanna make it precious. Bill, I think if you could
watch him over the years, he’s a little–
– Are you? ‘Cause off camera you seem
exactly the same to me– – Well–
– Where, no, but there’s plenty of comics, I know exactly
what you’re talking about. There’s a lot of
comics that are weird, have eye contact stuff,
don’t wanna touch anybody, and then the second
the camera goes on, and bam, they’re there. But from the little bit
we just did our thing, I didn’t catch that.
– Well, I do know that I don’t go to a
lot of social events and stuff like that
when I’m working. I meet a Hale
fellow while I’m at, I like to say hi and be
normal, I’m in a cat’s place. But I’m not a real social
guy and he isn’t either. So when you put the
two of us together, I was enamored at
that part of O’Reilly. And I sometimes didn’t
understand his brusk manner, and I something thought,
“Why is he beating his drum “to that degree”, when
I’d watch him on the show. And Bill, if you’re seeing this, I’m not, you know,
I’m telling you, I saw that cat do
stuff for soldiers, kids who’d been abused,
Haitians after storms, yeah, sometimes the, in the
way that doesn’t matter, the topical stuff, I sometimes
found him equally ill-at-ease as I am, but walking the walk, that cat gave a lot of
money to a lot of people. And I don’t know
his personal life. People say, what about? I go, do you really think? Oh, okay, so that’s my
relationship with O’Reilly. I’m gonna call him
and talk about dating, or whatever the hell’s going on. It’s not my life with him. We went out on the
road and I saw him do a lot of good things
for a lot of people. And guess what? I felt no need to know,
to probe the underbelly of Bill O’Reilly, or find out
what really makes him tick, and he felt no
need to find that. That being said, I did
see him do enough things over the years that I
find him an honorable man. – Yeah, what do you
think about the way that we take out
people these days? You don’t have to make it
about him, specifically, but just generally. Now, Chris Matthews went out, and it’s just like
this endless cascade of we’re just gonna build
people up and crush ’em. – It gets worse. Listen, imagine, like, Twitter during DeKinsey in England.
(Dave laughing) Imagine how cruel
it would be there? Listen, the rules are clear–
– You mean, it’s not worse than it’s ever been? That’s what everyone
says every day. It’s worse than it’s ever been. – I think the way
that it’ll turn this, yeah, it might be, but I think
the way that’ll turn this is everybody who’s in the
public eye should get up to a joke, a witticism,
a pithy revelation, and stop it down themselves
and look at the camera and say, I have something here,
but I’m going to stay out because I understand
the new rules. And have that happen ad
nauseum for a few years. And I relate to people how
crazy and/or post-Orwellian it’s gotten as far as jokes,
dialogue, throwaways, cruelty. Indeed, humans are
cruel once in awhile. The fact that that’s
all neutered down now, I think people
should be reminded that we’re missing some
of the texture of life, walking around like we’re in
“Logan’s Run” or something. I don’t think it will
change for awhile, because to me, it’s the
“Lord of the Flies”, and right now, the uptight
people have the conch, and they’re the ones
who are gonna speak. And therefore, if I’m
sitting there and I get to a point in the
joke where I go, this puts me where I
have to talk to people who I disagree with
about how bad I am, I stop often and go, nah,
I’m not gonna say it. I’ve tackled myself here. And if enough of that happens, people are gonna start to
say, hey, I’m sick of this. – Yeah, do you have
a bunch that you just wouldn’t tell anymore?
– Yeah, sure. – Like an old favorite
that you’re just like– – Yeah, it’s easy. Listen, when I used to
be on network television, they told you not to swear. I found it easy not to swear. When I’m in Vegas, I
found it easy to say fuck. When I’m here, I don’t know
what the rules are here, you’ll bleep ’em–
– No, we don’t bleep. – Yeah, it’s easy.
– What do you wanna say? Come on.
– No, I don’t even want to. – Let’s get you canceled
right now, man, come on. – I don’t even think about it. But I am saying that yes, and not so much this
point and oh my career will be taken, I
don’t care about that. I care about having
to spend time reacting to nimrods who, quite frankly, think second guessing
is creativity. It isn’t.
– I love that. – I like being with
creative people. I like being with people
who say things occasion, (laughs) I can’t
believe you said that. And I don’t think
it’s over then. Listen, the human
fray is cacophonous. It’s like, where was it
written that you’re never gonna hear anything
that falls on your, the aphelia in your ear
and you’ll disagree with. I don’t wanna lead that life. So well, therefore, I’ll stop
myself just because I think, “Christ, who needs
the bring down “of some whiny kid telling
me how I’ve ruined his day?” – Yeah, I used to
do, there’s some, my old stand up tapes
are right there. And I used to do a
joke way back when that I used to say the n-word. And it was not to be
racist in any way. It was actually a stupid,
silly “Transformers” reference that I was imitating
a Transformer and
I would say this. And it would always get
a huge laugh, huge laugh. I would close with it sometimes. And then one night I was
onstage at Gotham Comedy Club on 24th, and the audience
kinda turned on me. This is like, maybe 2004,
something like that. And I remember thinking,
“I’m putting that one away”. And I never did it again. I never liked that feeling,
but I was just like– – Yeah, some people wanna–
– So this is way before all that.
– Do a Nantucket sleigh ride with a bit where they
ride at the bottom? – Yeah.
– It doesn’t interest me. – Yeah.
– I’m out to please people. I like to get laughs. And at some point,
if I have an opinion and I feel it’s worth
it, I’ll push it in, even if it draws ire. But there are others times I
think this isn’t good enough to let all this
agita into my life. The Sturm and Drang’s tiresome. It’s so precious to me
that we sit down every day, and 10 times a day somebody has to get themselves
back and supine. And I remember when, years ago, there was a cat who
was the general manger for the Los Angeles
Dodgers, Al Campanis. Do you remember him?
– Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. – He goes on Ted–
– He was before I was here, but yeah, I remember him.
– He goes on “Ted Koppel” one night
and he says something that’s, like, from another
generation, racially. And he’s dead. He’s dead. He’s gotta go
supplicate for Sharpton, all that silly game. – ‘Cause Sharpton’s so righteous – Yeah. And I remember thinking,
when Jackie Robinson first came up, and he goes
to Montreal and the Dodgers, and he’s playing
minor league baseball, and they gotta sign somebody
to go out with the cat and ride wing man, I think
Campanis is right there. I mean, when it came to
real life he’s there. And then later he
says something brutish from the day gone
by, and he’s over. And I remember thinking,
“Oh, this is so tedious”. That’s the smartest thing
Eric Holder ever said, although I think he
back ended into it. I don’t even think he
meant it the way I took it when he said, “We’re cowards. “We don’t even have chats
about things anymore.” Racial relations,
indeed we don’t. And guess what? You wanna be the first guy in?
– (laughs) Right, exactly. – Huh, really? You wanna be over
this afternoon trying to make some sort of
lucid nuanced comment about interactions between human
beings of different colors? You don’t wanna be
the first guy in. You’re done.
– It’s so funny, ’cause people think
it’s something new, but you remember what
took out Howard Cosell 40 years ago?
– Oh yeah, Alvin Garrett. – That’s right, I think
there were two things. One was about his grandkids. Remember he, oh, oh, yeah right. He was the guy that he–
– Alvin Garrett. – And he called him a
little monkey or something– – Yeah, and number 46 for–
– Yeah. – And when you–
– And that’s what he called his grandkids, just
’cause he was jumping around. He didn’t mean it to
be racist in any way. And no one felt he was racist
in any way before that. – Well, listen, when you, I think Cosell was just shy
of being an ACLU lawyer. I used to read Cosell in
“Sport Magazine” once a month, and he was always at the
vanguard of these movements. Who was tighter with
Ali, for God sakes? And I saw a special on
Ali the other night, and it was called, “I Am Ali”. I was reminded, I
didn’t not appreciate what he did to Joe Frazier. Indeed, he missed his own, he buried his own
lead at some point when he called Frazier
names and stuff like that. And they have Marvis
Frazier I’m talking about, how it hurt his father
and hurt his family. So Ali wasn’t perfect, either. But I watched a guy
operate between races so seamlessly in that
thing, I thought, “There’s what we should
all be striving to get to”. Not being complete,
Ali was so beautiful. He was so proud of being
black and beautiful. And then he’d be with these
old square white people teasing with ’em, and
he’s be with the grannies, then he’d be with the
children, and I thought, “Now, here’s a guy who gets it.” Gets the human condition. But we’re nowhere near that. It’s so uptight now it’s crazy. – This is total offshoot. But the references. Is your brain just
designed that way? – Well, listen, I
realize my liabilities, and I would say one thing
that I would say I’m okay at is I have a reasonably
deep cultural drawer and a somewhat quick
retrieval system. When I see those Christmas
stories every year where the kids are working in the Amazon
disbursement centers in Minnetola or something
and they got packages coming at ’em at the speed of light, you asked me what I wanted
to do for a living earlier. I think I coulda stood at
the y in the road and said, okay, emery boards,
headphones, boom, boom, boom. I think I could have been the, what do they call it
on the kitchen shows? I think I coulda worked the
pass on cultural referencing. – Yeah, so you just, but
that was just natural to you that it was just
sort of all there? Or was that something
that you were going for? And you were like, oh
that’ll be my shtick? – Well, I think it’s a
bit of a monkey trick, so I don’t know
where you get that, nor do I think it’s
anything that you say where you get that,
but I do remember on “Saturday Night
Live” when I would get to write the news,
and after a few weeks they had so many holes in
the dyke they let me kinda, me and Herb Sargent
were writing the news. Other people would write jokes, but we predominately wrote it. And I noticed you have to
get actual about yourself. I couldn’t, I needed adrenaline
to be really creative. And adrenaline came
from fear for me. So I would notice I could not, occasionally a joke
would pop into my head Monday through Thursday, but I could see life on the
griddle was what perked me. So Friday around 4:30 in the
afternoon, it was really funny, I’d think about Whitney Brown. And he was so smart. A little more malevolent
than me, but a brilliant cat. And we were kinda friends,
but kinda I always thought if we go to a two-anchor
thing it’s Whitney. So 4:30 in the afternoon on
Friday, I think of Whitney. And I think, “Brother, you
better get this thing together, “you better quit
this, I can’t write.” You do three bad ones
of these in a row you’re either out or
you’re co-hosting. And that’s one
thing I’m proud of. Made it six years
and never co-hosted. So at 4:30.
– Now they all are, right? For years now, I think. – I don’t know.
– I mean, sure. – There were guys
who did it alone, but I always look back
on that and think, “Well, that was a good thing.” When you were served
your opportunity,
you stepped up to it. But I remember I had a
big, three big sheets of paper about that size on
my wall, three different ones. And it would say “Indignation”, and then the middle
one said, “What am I?” And then the third one
said, “Arcane reference”. (Dave laughing)
And it was like, it was like a
haiku for “Update”. I’d get to a point where
I’d think, oh, (murmuring) and I’d just look at that
and go, what pisses you off? Put the see saw in, the fulcrum. What am I? The Jetsons’ robot maid. I used to, like, make
it reductio absurdum. I really got primal
at that point. I felt like I was, like, like you’re a great white. You might as well heard
the theme from “Jaws” as you’re just swimming
looking for the line. ‘Cause I got scared that
I would lose the gig. But I did have that
template in my head. So maybe that’s where
the references– – Yeah, and now it
just seems like it’s just sort of built
in or something. Like, it just became.
– Well, I must say that even before I became a comedian, goofy stuff would
stick in my head. I don’t know.
– Yeah. But I remember
watching one of your, how many HBO specials
have you done? – Well, I’ve got nine
one-hour specials. Eight of them were HBO.
– Eight on HBO. So I’m thinking
it must have been one of your first ones
I remember watching. Again, I’m young. I’m 15, something
like that, thinking, “I don’t get all of
this, but I like it.” Do you know what I mean? Like, there were things
that you were saying that I was like, “I don’t
know what that reference is, “but I kinda liked
it”, ’cause I was like, “other people are laughing, “so there must be
something here.” – It’s not the Warren
Commission, brother. (Dave laughing)
At some point, the rhythms of it
are intoxicating. I just remember thinking,
“Lean into this. “If you’re gonna rat a tat tat, “you’re working that speed
bag, you can’t miss it.” I got the words down,
I delivered them, and I remember thinking,
“If they don’t get “the actual content of this,
do the d’Artagnan thing. “Flourish.” You know?
– Yeah. – Boom. You don’t always have to prick
the other guy’s chest plate. But you at least
gotta stand out there and have the blade twang. I was always making sure
the right blade twanged. Ba-boom!
– God, that’s so funny to me, to now, I’d
like to go back and watch some of them now and sort of unpack
a little of that. – Yeah, you can’t
half stick that. – Yeah.
– And I always knew it was a bit of a scam.
– Yeah. – Listen, I’m not, what I have on my board’s like 10, 20. I’m not, like I said,
I could remember things and get to them quickly. And then I was smart
enough to think, “You can’t half ass this. “Sheepish is the death of this.” You’ve gotta lean into it. And then I used to always
love Carson’s moves when he– – Yeah, yeah.
– Johnny Blue One, or it wasn’t there. I used to find
that intoxicating. I would think, “Look
how debonair”– – Just the little
head movement, little- – Smooth. I used to sit at home, I didn’t
even know what showbiz was, and I’d think, “Now,
there’s a cool cat.” It’s in the moments where you
need to escape the bad one. So that was another thing
I did on “Weekend Update”. I always remember thinking,
“Some of these are dogs. “When it dies, a dog’s death,
you gotta be alert enough “to say that in
front of the people, “they’ll find that
intoxicating.” Like, you gotta look up and say, no, I’m not so needy
that my self esteem’s in your hands right now. But I, too, know
that was a bad joke. – Yeah, but a lot
of guys since you have fallen into that crack. – Well, what do you mean? Tell me. Do you mean guys looking
for applause and stuff? Yeah.
– Yeah, when they know it’s not working, where
you would shake it, I mean you would
literally, you just did it. But you would sorta
shake it off, kinda, where they’re kinda
like, ah, please. – Well–
– It’s just the nature of it. – I don’t watch enough young, there’s a few cats I watch. I think Maniscalco’s
like a stone. Killer, I love his rhythms. And Brian’s a great,
Reagan’s a great comedian. But I don’t watch enough
of the young guys. I do know that at some point, comedy almost turned into what
impressionists used to get. Where you get applause. I almost feel like,
instead of you going, Al Pacino working
in a Burger King, I think it would go
something like this. (Dave laughing)
I feel like guys are doing that with their
political opinions now. I think, and then
they present it. And you don’t hear
anybody laughing, you just hear this.
(Dennis applauding) And I was never into that.
– Yeah. So even though I can sense
that Dennis Miller 2020 is slightly evolved
out of, maybe, the full grind and fight thing, where are you sort
of at, politically? I asked you right
before we started, and it’s like, you strike
as you’re probably, mostly– – I’m socially liberal.
– Yeah, you strike me as mostly libertarian
kinda something like that. – I come in, I
meet your husband. I can’t believe there
are people in the world who don’t see people in love
and just be happy for ’em. I see the picture of all these, I don’t wanna talk
about your life– – No you can.
– Your beautiful, big family Walton Mountain
shot, everybody’s smiling, you two guys are at
the center of it. I don’t know if it’s
your wedding day or whatever that is.
– Yeah, it’s wedding day. – And I’m thinking, “How do
you get to the point in life “where you’re going up
to strangers and saying, “here’s what I
think about that.” (Dave laughing)
That amazes me that there’s that, so
that part of Conservatism. And I’m not putting
them, I know there’s some Christian people who think they
go to hell if they sanction. I’m not gonna get,
I’m not their shrink, I’m can’t get into their
life and figure all that out. I just know I’m a believer, and I’ve never had a chat with
my God about homosexuality. It just, it didn’t–
– It never came up. – In my thing.
– It never came up, huh? – And I met enough fervent
believers who are homosexual, I think, “What, does God say
I can’t talk to you today? “You’re gay.” So that whole thing
doesn’t exist for me. I don’t trust radical Islam
as far as I can throw it. I’d like to keep half my money. Some people think that’s
a piggish statement, but I always think–
– Boy, you greedy bastard. – Yeah, but I think,
“I’ll keep one.” I give you one, I
don’t even know you. And then people say, and
after I pay taxes on it, I’d like to keep it for my kids. And then they go, why do
you wanna spoil your kids with an inheritance? And I go, hey, why do the fuck
do I wanna spoil your kids? I don’t even know your kids! At least I got
joy outta my kids. It’s pretty simple stuff. I feel like I’m a pragmatist. But in today’s world,
man, if you’re not in lockstep, you’re painted as, Christ, I’ve seen pictures
of myself on the web with a Hitler
‘stache and all that. – Oh yeah.
– And I think, “I can’t spend time
worrying about that.” Those people are so reactionary that the only thing, the
only way I can let them into my life is if
I let them ding me. I don’t give a shit. I’m more than willing to seek
the approbation of strangers. It’s the human condition. But only if it’s worth it. And I get a pretty
good spidey sense. I can tell early
on, do I even need to know this person anymore? You meet some people, within five minutes
you go, too strident. I’m still willing to make
these calls for myself. Sorry, I’m in my
own control tower. I gotta get, I can’t
accept every plane that wants to put
it on the deck. I gotta pick. And I could tell pretty quickly. And if somebody’s amenable
just to be open-minded, I don’t even need to agree
with them on politics, any of that shit. Are they kind enough? Are they a decent enough soul? A good family person? That’s a big thing with me. Funny? Do they make me laugh? So I got my criteria. One of ’em’s not
being dovetailed with their political beliefs. But I see one side of
it, I see it as the left. I don’t even know, I think
you’re making some journey or something, I’ve always
heard your liberal. And maybe if I–
– I think I’m an old school liberal. I think that’s
basically what you are. In you believe people–
– Socially. – Should be free, and even
on the economics stuff. An old school liberal
didn’t want high taxes. You actually wanted low taxes. – Yeah, Jack Kennedy
would be decried today. – Yeah, JFK.
– Yeah. Knocks the top rate down
from 70 to high 30s. Christ, can you imagine Bernie
Sanders weighting into him? And this Kennedy kid! (both laughing) But–
– Is that crazy to you– – Yeah, it’s crazy.
– How some really bad ideas have started to become
seemingly normal now? – Any time you see
kids looking up at Bernie Sanders in
the same way you see those young girls at the
Sullivan Show looking at the Beatles, the world’s
gone horribly askew. I see those kids
like, and I think, “Are you kidding me? “This is the guy we
used to avoid his lawn, “’cause nobody knew if he
had buckshot loaded up.” All of a sudden he’s swoonable. It makes me laugh. Bernie Sanders can’t
believe he’s pulled it off. – What do you think the
obsession with politics is? Like, that kind of thing.
– School loans. – You think that’s it
more than anything else? – Listen, man, when
you get to a point, and for kids, I know they’re
gonna talk about health care, but by and large, I don’t
think kids in their 20s, and they’re always so
invincible are thinking, I’m gonna have a
goiter when I’m 70. Is it gonna be covered? I don’t think they
work that way. I do think a lot of kids are
getting out of college now with north of 100 or
high 10s school loan. They can’t even get off
the pad in their 80s. It’s almost like they’re
working with loan sharks. They gotta pay that off before
they can get to their dreams. Therefore, they think,
“Fuck my dreams”. I’m not gonna have a house. I’m gonna live in a
small micro apartment. I’m not gonna get a car. I’m gonna bike around or pick up one of these jerk off
scooters on every corner, and I’m gonna go out once
a week with my friends and film a Michelob
commercial where we’re all sitting around and we’re
all putting our beer on top of a turntable. And I’m gonna pay for
a great glass of wine, because I don’t have any options on getting a house or a car. And I think all
that’s happening is, if I was a kid and
I was sitting there with 100 grand worth
of school loans, and it was for an
environmental studies degree, where quite frankly I
went out and they said, here’s some dish
washing solution. Go clean that dove
up on the beach. I’d be saying, who’s the guy
who wants to forgive my loan? I’d probably be going there. But I’m not anymore. I’m the old guy who had
minimal school loans, paid ’em off, and they
can’t expect me to go back and see it that way. I don’t wanna give up
everything for people who, if I was telling a kid
right now, I’d say, brother unless,
brother and sister, unless there’s a super
serious thing you can get a degree in that
you can exchange for green rectangles, don’t go. ‘Cause half the people
going in right now are getting degrees
that mean nothing. And you could have four
years on the ground. Find out what you
want, get in there. Get into whatever the
equivalent of the mail room is. Spend those four years, Jesus, for God’s sakes,
you’ll have 1,500 days while they’re sitting
in there holding seances and stuff like this,
where you can be out there building a resume
where the boss goes, that kid busts his ass. So when the college kid gets
out and comes in you go, I’ve got a degree. I was in student government. And the guy has to
pretend, well, that’s good because he doesn’t wanna
end up in a lawsuit. He’s thinking, “I got
this kid busting his ass “for four years, I’m
gonna give him the gig.” So I think politics right
now for young people come down to school loans. – What do you think
of the other guy. We’ve spoke for 40 minutes
and still haven’t said– – Who, Biden?
– No, the T word. Oh, we could do Biden. Let’s do Biden. Where you at with Biden? We didn’t talk about Trump
yet, it’s been 40 minutes. Legally, we have to.
– Well, let’s do Biden first. – Yeah, let’s do Biden. – Listen, I’ve always
made fun of Biden. I think he’s, anybody
who gets in at 29 and is now 77 is
inviting guys like me to make fun of ’em. I know he’s helping me. Joe, I don’t need your help. Live your life.
– Is he helping you? How is he helping you?
– Well, he always talks about how I’ve been in public service. And you just wanna say,
oh for Christ’s sake. Okay, yeah, thanks for helping. But I don’t dig
guys who get off, who quite frankly get off
their old man’s nickel onto the public dime
in their late 20s and ride it all the way. It always bored me
with Jerry Brown. He’s pitching himself
as an ethereal creature and I always think,
“Brother, you’ve been “on the teat for like”–
– Forever. – “You’re in your sixth
decade now, okay?” So don’t tell me about
what a freeform you are. But Biden has never been as
smart as they told me he was, or he told you he was. Anybody who knows their
IQ is a big tell for me. Two things. When a guy you’re
golfing with goes into the woods and
you get to the green, you go, what’d you get,
and he pulls his hand up, I know he’s fucking with you. And whenever a guy says, I
know my IQ, I go, “oh, Christ”. I don’t like that to begin with. I go, why? Why do you know your IQ? Are you that insecure or
are you faking it that much? Biden’s one of those guys
who knows his own IQ. And I never saw him as a genius. I always think of Joe
Biden as the third guy in a car in a Sonic commercial, just popping up in the backseat, and I like the tater tots, too! So he’s no genius. But now he looks addled. I have more trouble–
– Yeah, what do you think of that? I mean, something
is seriously wrong. – Well, he had some sort of
subdermal hematoma years ago, right?
– Yeah, but it’s only in the last, he had that
something like 20 years ago. – He’s 77, he’s off his feet. They’re gonna push him ahead. He might get elected. I’ll tell you what,
he’ll never go on a debate stage with Trump. He’ll never do that. I can hear the whole thing. They’ll put it on
the prompter for him. He’ll go, I will not
normalize this man by being on the
same stage with him. It would be beneath my dignity, but more importantly,
more impoignantly beneath the dignity of
the American people. And he’ll get all tied
up and poignantly, and end up in a straight
jacket, they won’t even know. They’ll have to come out
and get him off stage. But they’d vote him in ‘caus
they hate Trump that much. I think he’s by the boards. I don’t think he was all
that much to begin with. I don’t like back slappers,
I don’t like glad handers, I don’t like that core
and plume bullshit about I walked through
the diner today, and you find out the diner
hasn’t been there in 20 years. Biden just never impressed me. To me he’s always
been more unhinged than a rescue dog in
Phil Spector’s house. – (laughs) So before we
get to the Trump guy, do you think a good
person, like, actually, like, sort of an enlightened
decent human being could ever be part
of this thing? It seems like the ship has
pretty much sailed on that. – Yeah, I’m trying to think of– – Although, I think a great
reckoning could be coming, maybe, to our whole
political system. – Yeah, but it’ll
be so cataclysmic, it remains, to me, unimaginable. – Yeah, no, I think
it is unimaginable. I don’t know if it’ll be ’29
where all of a sudden the Dow, it’s happening now
because of the virus, but I’m just saying,
it’ll either be 1929 or 1860-something like
that, unimaginable. You don’t wanna be the
first guy in saying I can see a civil war coming. They’ll make you out
to be the bad guy. But seriously, for the
reset that happened now, I don’t see it
being incremental. I see something, just this
shy of cataclysmic happening. Maybe corona is
it, I don’t know. But if anybody thinks the
dems are gonna solve corona after what I just saw in
their own caucuses in Iowa, I don’t know that I wanna
hand it off to them. But I don’t see it
coming back around. I see it getting very tribal. And I can only
hope at some point we divvy up the albums like
a relationship that’s gone. It’s like Woody
Allen and Annie Hall. We got a dead shark here. Is that what he used to say?
– Yeah, yeah. – And what we got
here is a dead shark. And divvy the albums up. – So what does
that mean, though? What does that actually mean? Like, what does that look like? We divvy up the
albums, meaning what? We’re in–
– We should split up, in my mind. I don’t see it
coming back around. I don’t know how to do that.
– That doesn’t work out very well for guys like me and
you in California, you know? – You move. I don’t even know
if it’s geographic. I don’t know what I’m saying. People are, exactly. (Dave laughing)
I’m telling you I think at this point, we
got a dead shark, and I don’t quite know
how we figure it out, but at some point
we shouldn’t try to go closer together,
’cause that’s only gonna make it more anchorous. We don’t get along,
we don’t even agree. I tell you, one
thing I do notice is I find people,
I’ve been on the right and I’ve been on the left
as far as issues in my life. I’ve also been thought
of as somebody who’s on the left and then on the
right, mistakenly over my life. I find the left is really
more brutal than the right. I mean, I used to tear people in the conservative
community a new asshole when I’d meet ’em. They could at least
laugh about it. The left, man, it
can get dangerous. You know. You’re gonna catch a
D sale on a tube sock if you don’t agree. And so that’s why I
zip it periodically. – Were you kinda
shocked, though, when you first
started seeing that? Like, you first go on
“O’Reilly” maybe you have this– – Nah, I wasn’t. Mort Sahl wrote a great book
years ago called “Heartland”. – Ah, I need to read it.
– And I think when people think back on Mort
Sahl they always think of him as liberal. Probably because he
was Sancho Panza, or Boswelled at Kennedy’s Jack, well, what am I thinking? Boswell’s Sam Johnson to
Kennedy’s Sam Johnson. He was his chronicler. And he liked being in
the, with the cool kids. But he started to see it, and he started talking
about liberalism. And he was a real hipster, Mort. I don’t even know if
Mort’s still up there, or maybe he’s passed.
– No, no, he’s still alive. Unless something happened
in the last week. I’m 99% sure he’s still alive.
– And I just started having that epiphany. I remember what
happened with Stockdale. I remember everybody’s
making fun of Stockdale. And I think McCain had
told me once that Stockdale when he was in the Hanoi Hilton, when kids had given up and they
were gonna kill themselves, he would get on
the pipe at night and tap it with a
flint to pray with them in sign language to convince
them not to die that night. – Wow.
– Like, something that maybe, what, 1,000 men in the
history of the planet have been consequential
enough to do. And then he’s on
cable and he goes, “I don’t even know
why I am here.” – Why I’m up here.
– And everybody makes him an asshole. And I thought, “This room’s
gotten too hip for me, man.” If we’re gonna start, like
talking about Stockdale, like he’s an idiot, and Nancy
Pelosi’s a viable player, I just thought, I
can’t be in the libs. They ask too much
of the lockstep. – Yeah, you think the
Republicans have any sort of more functional people this day? – I have found out, but I
can only speak for myself. Like I said, I’ve poked a
lot of fun at conservatives. And I’ve met some
who’ve hated my guts, and I’ve met others who at
least laughed about it a little. That’s just my experience. I have the people on the left
do not take a joke as well. I think that’s kinda,
I don’t think I’m saying anything
sacrilegious there. I think a lot of people
are noticing that. Guess what nobody wants to say. – I hear you, Miller. It’s been my life.
– You don’t wanna end up in the crosshairs of that. It gets ugly, man.
– So what do you think of that Trump guy?
– Well, listen. I’ll say this
about Donald Trump. I think his outer voice,
as crazy as it can be, is an entirely accurate
depiction of his inner voice. Whereas, I don’t think somebody like Hilary Clinton’s
inner voice and outer voice have ever even had a
cup of coffee together. Listen, there are days I look
at Trump and I’m mortified. I think, “God, can’t
you just shut up?” but I don’t spend
every day of my life, because it’s just
as tedious to say, we should quit tweeting. I hear people that’s what
they wake up in the morning, what they, he’s not
gonna quit tweeting. He doesn’t drink, so
lighten up, assholes is his Cognac before bed. That’s what he does. But do I think he’s
done some good things? Yeah, I do. Do I think he’s done some things that aren’t panning out now? The kid’s firing missiles
again in North Korea? I don’t know, he might have
to smoke him at some point. But do I think meeting
with him’s a bad idea? No, I don’t. Do I see Obama when
he’s in there having a, leaning in and saying, tell
Vladimir I’ll have more leeway to talk to him. This all goes on, we
should be talking. It’s just that Obama
never got outed for it. They even had the tape of him. It’s like DeLoreon
selling blow in the room and he somehow gets out. The guy’s on tape,
Joe Biden’s on tape doing the thing
they accused Trump. I can’t do it
anymore, it’s stilly. Do I think Donald
Trump’s perfect? No, he’s a boarish cat. I like the way his kids are. They seem loyal to him,
they seem to be raised to be somewhat discipled. There are days he goes
after people and I think, “Brother, that is
so thin-skinned, I
can’t believe it.” Are there other days I
think, “Wow, good for you.” When I see a union
guy in the oval office with a hard hat on
crying ’cause his old man came here from Ireland
and he would be proud. Beautiful stuff. I’m not gonna play the game
where I think he’s Hitler. To me, when they do that
Hitler thing I always say, well, what do you
mean he’s Hitler? I go, you mean you fear
he’s gonna croak six million of his fellow humans? And they always say, no,
of course I don’t mean that and act like you’re an asshole. – Right, right.
– Oh, what other Hitler peccadillo were
you talking about? The bad stash.
– Bad artists. – The Angie’s List reviews
for house painting? What are you talking about? – Yeah, well, I think
you’re basically right. I mean, they say these
things about him. But is there a piece
of him that strikes you as very much, like, he
has the mind of a comic? Because I saw him live–
– He’s got good timing, yeah. – I saw him live in December,
and he goes up there, and he’s got the
prompter, but he’s also winging it half the time, and he’s ad libbing
and everything. And he did this thing about, he was talking about windmills. And he goes, he goes, I’ve
been studying windmills my whole life. Nobody knows more about
windmills than me. And then he starts
rifling off some stats about windmills that were
obviously on the prompter. And I turned to
David and I was like, you know that the headline
in “Politico” today is gonna be Donald
Trump says he knows more about windmills than anyone, which he obviously
meant as a joke. And then lo and behold,
we see all the headlines, Buzzfeed, blah, blah, blah, and it’s like, I think
that’s his greatest gift. He knows how to punk
these guys every time. – Yeah, he’s a wind up–
– Whether you like it or not. – But that’s the, I can’t
even do that with him anymore. Everybody talks about Trump now. Notice how many times the word, whether you like
him or not comes up. That’s all of us laying
covering fire down. I don’t like him some days. But it about more
trivial shit than some of the stuff he’s
doing which matters. But I think some of
the things he’s doing as far as the, when somebody
comes to me and say, says that the black
unemployment rate’s down to its lowest ever, and
somebody immediately goes, Obama started, okay I’ll
give Obama credit for that. I’m gonna give him credit
for getting it down a little lower. I just can’t play
this stupid game where he’s the antichrist. For God sakes, there
are days I feel that he’s super
adept at his job. There are other times I think
he’s super thin-skinned. There are days I think about
his comedy chops are beautiful. There are other days
I find it buffoonish that he would waste
time punching down to somebody that’s
stupid on the other side. He’s the human condition to me. All I know is this. I don’t see the country
being over as they do. I don’t. This corona virus is
yet another thing. They’re gonna say
the country’s over. I guess I’m a half full guy. Do I think that,
occasionally do I see Trump as half full of
it or half empty? Yeah, I guess I do. There are other days
I look at him and say, good for you, I wouldn’t
take that shit, either. Imagine the maelstrom
this guy is in on a day-to-day basis,
him and his wife. And when people say, oh
he was mean in a tweet, I go, yeah, punch him back. – What do you think
about the way we just go from that crisis to crisis?
– I won’t do it anymore. – Yeah, you just, yeah.
– I’m gonna ask for a week off between vaping, a billion creatures killed in
Australia, and coronavirus. – Net neutrality killed
half the people I know. – (laughing) It’s
too hysterical. I don’t wanna live that way. And if people find that harsh, I don’t know what to say. I do know this. I saw the corona virus
figure for today, and people say, oh,
you’re so simple minded. It’s obviously 10 times more. I guess I am stupid. When I read an article
that says we’ve lost around 10,000 people
this flu season, and we’ve lost 30
for coronavirus, and then the end of that
article is that experts say, thus the coronavirus
is 10 times more lethal than the flu, I go, “Okay,
I guess I’m too stupid “to follow that.” It’s like when they used to
have the unemployment rate would go, when more people were
employed and it would go up, you know what I
mean, and they’d say, well, there are less
people in the workforce. – There are less people
in the workforce. That’s a big one.
– And so I can’t follow that, either.
– Yeah, more people have selected out
of the workforce, so the number–
– I’m more than willing to concede I’m not as smart
as somebody like Behar. And I just, I’m not. They figured out I don’t.
– Wait, Ben who? – Behar.
– Joy Behar? – I see her quoted
a lot and I think, “I wish I could keep up.”
– I used to love her. – She’s a cool dame.
– No, I’m sure she is. – It’s just that I guarantee
you, Joy’s hip enough that when she gets left
to her own devices, even she’s bemused
that she’s treated like she’s speaking
in encyclical. (Dave laughing)
And she’s a great comic. And she’s found a great gig. And I know she’s liberal,
but I’m just saying, when I see people now as
being the source material, I just like sorta laugh. I’m more than willing
to concede on around, let me say, 60% of
the world issues, I’m guessing, like
most people are. And the other 40
seem set in stone. They just seem, you
don’t put 15 billion on a pallet and fly it
into the Iranian desert. If you can’t see that,
you’re missing the point. – So bad move, you’re saying.
– Yeah, at least give ’em a check
and in the memo section, to liquidate Israel.
– (laughs) Right, but instead we just–
– Cash, no here, go use this, what are
you guys gonna do? You’re canning this season?
– Trust us, trust us. – Christ.
– What’s else is kinda interesting
to you these days? – Let me see. What have I been doing? Well, as I said, I’m
trying to read a lot. And I’m reading voraciously. And I hike, I go walking
almost three times a week with my friend, Jimmy
Connors, the tennis great. – Oh, wow.
– And he’s a bit of a pisser, and
he lives near me. – I saw him on a plane
about a year ago. We were waiting to get on. I went up to him and I
mentioned that crazy year, what was it, like ’94–
– Yeah, where he went 102 and three.
– Yeah, and he kinda smiled at me and he nodded. It was like ah, I
was just that guy that I mentioned that one thing. – Well, let me tell you this. Everybody talks about Federer and he’s obviously, I think
Jimmy would even probably say the greatest player ever
because of the majors. But to this day, in the
open tennis tournament, Roger Federer is
around 30 matches, wins, behind Jimmy,
who’s in the one slot. And he’s around six
tournaments behind Jimmy. And Jimmy never
beats that drum, man. And when I go hike, I’ll go, “Jimmy, why did you
never tell me this?” So I looked it up, and
he’ll go, ah, fuck that. And he’ll right away start
talking about other things. So–
– Just the joy that that guy played with. I mean, ah.
– The alawn. I don’t know, there’s
a fine line there. Jimmy was never a
happy time out there. He was a stone killer. And guess what? In a world of tepid, in a world where everybody’s
figuring out how to explain somebody’s missteps
before you get to them, to have a guy who’s an
honest arbiter of his legacy tells you where he screwed
up, or he tells me at least, tells me where he did well and lets the numbers speak
and doesn’t beat the drum. He’s a mensch. I like that stuff about people. And there’s too many
altruistic people with publicists nowadays. Imagine selflessness
being shepherded down a red carpet
by Rogers Zencowen. Hey, this guy did something
that nobody’s supposed to know about, can we
get a team over here? I don’t think that.
– Here’s the wing he just named after himself.
– (laughs) Right. – I feel like we’re there.
– All right, brother. – I feel like I got, like,
a full on thing from you. I wasn’t exactly sure. I got a little bit
of a different thing than I was expecting, actually. It’s kinda cool. – Well, you’re pretty easy, man. Thanks for letting me talk. And I’m glad you’re
doing so well. I’m glad you’re happy, man.
– Things are all right. – Did you ever read the
great Tom Wolfe book, well I liked it, I don’t know
if a lot of people called it “A Man in Full”,
and it was a book, well, you’d have to read it. It’s about a man reaches
a point in his life where if he feels
he’s a man in full, indeed he very well could be. And that’s not defined as
you classically define it when you’re a kid. It just has to come a moment
where you just sit there and there’s no static. And you just say, it’s
not even exultant, it’s not triumphant,
it’s just kinda quiet. And you think, wow, I feel
like a man in full right now. The frabba jabba in my
head’s letting down a little. – You know what? I’ve never read the
book, but I do love Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”,
and I think that’s kind of– – Exactly. Although Frank didn’t
think of the song. – Is that right?
– Yeah. Paul Anka wrote it. And Frank, it wasn’t
his cup of tea. – It’s just so perfect.
– Listen, when you’re the chairman, you
don’t wanna have to be, regrets, I’ve have, I
don’t know that Frank, except to sell
millions of copies, I don’t know that
Frank’s gonna go out and introspect in
front of strangers. But did I ever tell
you my Sinatra story? – No, tell me your
Sinatra story. End this with Sinatra.
– Okay. This is a cool story. I’m in Vegas one night
and Tom Dreesen calls me, the great Chicago comedian. He’s opened for Sinatra
down at the Desert Inn, which isn’t even there anymore. That’s how long ago this was. I’m up at the MGM
Grand and he says, “Listen, I’m opening
up for Frank tonight, “and you wanna come
down and see the show?” And I go, “Yeah.” I said, “What if we’re
working at the same time?” He’s already checked,
we’re offset. Come down after your show. I go down to see Sinatra. Dreesen says, “I’ll leave you
as many tickets as you want.” Now, I’m in town with my wife, who’s pregnant with
our second child, and our baby, our
Filipino nanny, Coi-Coi, and my mom’s with me, and me. I do the show, I go
back to collect them. My wife says, “I don’t wanna
go, I don’t feel up to it. “I feel sick and
I’m gonna stay in.” I go, I got three tickets, why don’t I take Coi-Coi,
’cause I hear in her room at night listening to
Sinatra once in awhile. She says, “Great idea.” Off we go. The nanny, my mom, and I,
we go down to see Sinatra. It’s a revelation for me. And he’s not on top of his game. He’s a bit in a disdain of
one, but it’s still fab. He’s Sinatra. Frank Junior, I’m thinking,
I’m knee deep in it. I go back to thank
Dreesen after the show and he says, unbelievable. He says, “Hey, Frank
dug you on ‘SNL’. “You wanna have dinner?” I go, are you kidding me? We go to that old restaurant
in the Desert Inn. It was an Italian place
and it had a gold, cheap gold elevator, circular. You’d go up and you’d go in and there’d be the bar,
and then the main room, and then the VIP room,
then the VVIP room, then the Pope room, and way
in the kernel of the nuclei is the Sinatra room. We go all the way back,
Dreesen opens the door, there’s a table,
it’s pretty small and there’s like 10 people. And there sits Sinatra
right across from me. Barbara, his wife sits
here, his attorney is here, his attorney’s wife,
over his shoulder, two huge Luca Brasi body guards. – Of course.
– Dreesen sits here, and my mom sits here, I
sit across from Sinatra, Coi-Coi, the nanny’s
sitting here. And around 10 minutes
in I realize they’re being so nice to us. They think Coi-Coi’s my wife. And I don’t wanna
shut it down and say, no, no it’s my nanny. I figured I’ll just
roll with this. So I start getting shit faced. I’m not a big drinker,
but I’m thinking, “I’m with Sinatra, I’m
putting something on cubes “and I’m gonna
tinkle the glass.” He’s talking about a fight he
had at Mr. Kelly’s in Chicago. I’m thinking, “Christ,
I’m in ‘Oceans 11′. “This is the greatest
night of my”, so I toss it. And then we’re having fun. And then Coi-Coi nudges
me under the table, and I look down and she’s got
an autograph book on her lap. And she motioning. And I panic. I can’t say anything, so I have to go
complete body language. I look up and I’m locked
eyes with Sinatra. He’s looking at me. He thinks I’m having
a grand mal seizure. (Dave laughing)
He thinks I’m a freak, so I have to flatten
out and go tabla ras, so I’m just sitting there,
but now it’s hanging over my head like the
autograph book of Damocles. So around an hour in I go, see we gotta blow ’cause
I’m too nervous now. Go around the table, now
here’s how cool Frank is. My mom goes up first. She said, “Mr. Sinatra, when
I was a young girl, 1952, “I saw you at the Stanley
Theater in Pittsburgh “and had dinner with you. It was the biggest
thrill of my life.” Sinatra looks up he says,
“’52, Stanley Theater “in Pittsburgh, I
remember that show, baby. “You were on the left
side of the stage, “you looked good that night. “You looked really good.
– Ah, he’s good. – My mom, like floats away
like a “Ferngully” fairy. I’m all chocked up. I step in, I go, Frank,
gees, what you just did for my mother. He gives me the Jilly Rousseau
face slap, get outta here. I turned, Coi-Coi
steps up, whap, she hits him with
the autograph book. I almost pass out. I got the cold sweat. And I hear Sinatra
over my shoulder say, “Did you say Soy-Soy?”
(both laughing) And the body guard says,
“Coi-Coi, Frank, Coi-Coi.” And Sinatra actually
says, “K, C, what?” I can’t even listen anymore. I split. They come out there
flying in tandem like the Blue Angels now. I can’t get mad of her,
she just came from Manila, we’re at dinner with
Sinatra, she’s in shock. I go, gees, Coi-Coi,
let me see it. I open up to the page he
signs, it says, “To Sopo”. It’s like he went so far but
said fuck it, I’m trying. Here, here’s your
Sinatra name, dear Sopo. Best night.
– And you called her Sopo from that day forward.
– Well, later on I went up when she got married,
to her golf club, and people were
coming up and going, so you know Sopo? So the story lived on for her. And she was the sweetest soul. – Miller, it’s
been an absolute– – All right, man.
– Absolute pleasure. – Good talking.
– Oh, you’re walking out in the middle. I’m gonna say goodbye over here. Sit down.
– Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking
for like four hours. – Gees. Yeah, my God, it was
a lot of talking. Follow this guy,
@dennisdz on Twitter. If you’re looking
for more honest and thoughtful
conversations about comedy instead of the non-stop yelling
you get everywhere else, check out our comedy playlist. And if you wanna
watch full interviews on a variety of
topics, check out our full episode playlist. They’re both right over here. And to get notified
of all future videos, be sure to subscribe and
click the notification bell.

If Splatoon was Realistic

April 6, 2020 | Articles | No Comments


I’m sorry! Am I a squid now? Or am I still a kid now? These were the thoughts that burned through my mind as I laid there in the ink… Wondering where it all went wrong… Listen to my story. And if you don’t want to, too bad, I’m going to play it anyway. Let’s rewind this thing. There we go. *generic rewind noise* *sick noises*
*oh no are they dying* Oh, it’s so gross! Come on maggot, suck it up! I didn’t mean it literally, Scotty, it was just an expression. Sorry, sir! *inaudible*!
Yeah?
You and Roxanne watch the rear. Already on it, sir. This is no time for jokes. Are you a kid now or are you a squid now?
I mean–
ANSWER THE QUESTION I mean I’m kinda both? Just follow me and try not to mess it up.
Yes sir!
[oh, this is going to go wonderfully] So what’s the point of action? I’m scared! Hey, don’t worry. There’s no reason to be scared. Huh? OH OK THERE’S REASON TO BE SCARED *derp noises* *screaming* *more derp noises* TASTE MY PAIN Ah! It’s going to get me! SON OF A SQUID You did it! I think someone’s jumping here Great. *hey it’s the derp guy again* I HATE MY LIFE Nice work Scotty. Whoa!
Sorry sir
This belongs to us now! *female derp noises* Roxanne, come on! AHH MY OCD’S KICKING IN *i legit can not tell what she’s saying* *something about surface cereal* [inaudible], use the secret weapon! uhhhmmmm *derp noise* No, not that, moron! Oh, all right! HAHAHA! BOMBS AWAY! *royalty free machine gun sound effect* uh oh *guys i think she’s talking about surface cereal again* Don’t worry guys, I got this! *the scream of derp* This is a disaster. We got you now! Roxanne!
*female scream except it’s a short scream
is there a name for that* Get her, guys! NONONONONO AAAHHHHHHH I FEEL VIOLATED *whistle* Uhh, this hurts. Did we win? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CAT THING WE DID IT! Nice job guys. I feel violated! You guys did good today. That was a good first training session but this is just the beginning. The war against the dreaded Octoling still lingers on That’s a shame cuz they’re kinda hot- You’ll wanna watch your mouth, *inaudible*! Stop thinking with your tentacles! I heard they’re getting closer to Inkopolis every day Apparently, it’s only a matter of time before they take over. keep talking like that and I’ll take over your skull! whatever that means you’re dismissed! I’m going to go to chess club now. my character trait is that I’m *inaudible* scared, so I gotta honour that See you later, Scottie.
See you man. *inaudible, i think he yelled ‘PISS’* Want to get a crab burger? Squidyeah! Hey *inaudible, i think they might be saying ‘Biggins’*,
tough little bastard. What’s up?
I’ve been thinking. Well, that makes a change
har, har.
No, seriously, what’s up? I just don’t think I’m cut out for the squid army. What do you mean? We’ve always wanted to do this, ever since we were kids, remember? I remember. Exactly. Oh, I don’t know. I just- I just want to swim away, you know? I think when it comes down to it, I can’t handle the pressure. Well then stop swimming so deep! Ha! Stop with the jokes! Okay, look. You, me, and Scotty. We swore together that we would get revenge on those octolings. They took away our parents had left graffiti all over town worst of all the colors They use cute green makes my blood boil. I’ll never forgive them right yeah. Yeah, you’re right I’m sorry Biggins. Oh For what? Just they’re being why you know, huh? Uh? Huh? Oh my God just die Yeah, you’re getting pretty sick with that sniper Scottie. How do you do it? I just play to the sweat dot and he enables my ottawa tour of maggots actually when I’m maggots were squid hmM Are you guys kids? Who are you god’s good now? I’m pretty sure we’re both you’ve much to learn hey say what I have been hearing rumors. Yeah, well don’t believe them I would never wear a pretty dress, and that’s not what it was sir Oh, well, I don’t so I’ve heard the rumors too. Apparently there’s a weapon of ink destruction in the works like a nuclear bomb I shouldn’t really be telling you this the weapon may be done by next week it might have been done this week But the people work. I’m gonna take the weekend off so that’s fair enough when it’s done in a week’s time What kind of a salty octiline even destroy the once and for all? For Narnia You’re dismissed Crab Burger okay, I’ll catch up and you guys it’s my squid mother’s birthday So I should probably give her a call right thank happy birthday for me. All right. We’ll see you there Wow, all right probably next week huh? Yeah, I’m pretty anxious. I know right wait. Con is next Wednesday I can’t wait to dress up as Harley quinn Next week is the big day that bomb is going to destroy the octolings and we’re going to be there along for the ride in Fact show what they say about one that I’ll lock two legs aren’t girls apparently I hear back in the day we used to get along with the awesome links at but the octolings were extreme Feminists, and they alienated everyone that’s when they decided to up and leave that’s when the war began anybody who opposed their beliefs Save a body or tentacles, and I mean as antennae call oh God. Oh hey. Look who it is. Hey got your crab burger. Yes There you go Hey, Roxanne, you okay? Huh? Yeah? Yeah, I’m just kind of scared. You know this big egg farm is serious business I guess I’m just worried about the future got quite your whining we got a lot of training to do Kind of awkward your training is coming along nicely Cadet you got to be in top form of that bombs gonna drop soon the reckoning is coming And those octolings are going to get rekt they’re gonna get rekt hard almost as hard as your hairline Oh my God looks taking it well don’t touch the hat That did cost her 20 squad aliens or whatever currency ism. Get some rest because I’m going to throw you two balls on you tomorrow Yes, sir, sir Going for yellow tonight classy that bombs getting closer every day You think it’ll fix this war long as I have youtube on my side, and I can change my bed any color I want to at a whim. Then I have faith and notions. Yeah, I’ll see you guys tomorrow tonight Daddy always begins Yo, you’ve always been a good friend to me. I want you to remember that well. Yeah, I wouldn’t be here without you guys Oh my God stop it with the emotional stuff, You’re embarrassing me!. Good NIght guys! Good Night! Second that guys give us points rather attack. What do I get to stop trembles? You just like to penetrate a car right now. Where’s work soon. He’s probably out there fighting with the rest of us okay, okay? Don’t panic Cepeda cow. Oh my God in the morning. No more training guns. This is real. Sorry we gotta get home get up soldier turn to tilt ah Pass me the bombs begins. Oh. God. Are you guys can’t who are you guys chords now? I don’t know what the time is what you just know are you want Dos come? Scottie you get in that hour now me and biggers will cover you. I don’t know if right you could do this Okay, I’ll go johnny yeah, don’t you tear tie on me never my friends? ah I Can’t let them down Huh, where they are touching us now They must know about the weapon if in destruction losers want to steal the thing before we get to use it Just quickly. Oh my God don’t fail me now Must be the squid guard to leave my pinnacle to war My ink and my hometown my ink, and who I trust oh shit Johnny Damn it. Ha ha Captain let me ask you again. Are you as good or you a kid I need What are you doing? I’m sorry big uns you want to cover this whole time So it was you you took them off about the bottle I’m sorry But I believe in something bigger than all of us didn’t care about being a kid or a squid I? Care about being able to thought about something on how I? Got the bulb I infiltrated the research facility and now this bomb is mine with this our cause could finally be realized We will be a breath come on Roxanne I trusted you I know but now you’ve got to die. I’m sorry oh And here I am, a question running through my mind as I lay here dying I’m not going out yet It’s time to find out what I truly am Aargh! I’m a squid now! *Allahu Akbar* Splatoon II Family! Friendly! Fun! Out Now! Hey guys, thanks for checking out this week Animation make sure you leave a like on the video below leave a like ok Subscribe if you haven’t already also we have merchandise for sale So if you want to buy a shirt and help us out put the link in the description. There’s our merch shirt Thank you guys. We’ll see you next week

If Undertale was Realistic 12

April 5, 2020 | Articles | No Comments


Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein nein
nein nein nein nein nein nein
Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!! Oh shit. Oh shit. Were you there the whole time? Well yeah, you’re on live telivision remember? So people heard that? Oh all of those kiddies and grandmas and grand-dads! Although most of our viewing audiance is plants, we even get peace lilies tuning in! WOW! I don’t care… I’ve seen you have been pissing of some farm animals recently. Yeah, to be fair that was kind of harsh of me. I did eat a slice of beef RIGHT in front of this cow, I’m pretty sure it was their cousin or something. I meant Toriel. More like gooniel, Am i right lads? Phantom Lad: You are right lad! *Sigh* Toriel switched side though, which means i’m gonna take her off your ally list. So hand me that pencil please. Thank you.. aww shit… I wrote this down in pen, Um, does anybody have any tipex? No? Well like a bit of tape where i can write on top of it? Thank you. Weird Thing: im just gonna put it right here and *mumbles* Aww, who gives a shit!? Clearly not the child. Forgot how cold it was! I’m so used to my giraffe lifestyle! Hold on a minute. Hehe, this is awesome, hehe. *Child falls and grunts* Fuck… Human, don’t you know how to greet a new pal? Turn around… Sans, it’s me. Oh?! Hahaha! I didnt recognize ya! So, that’s your human greeting is it? No, I just give them proper nipple cripples. CRIPPS! OW!! Suprise! Happy birthday! It’s not my birthday.. Happy-.. day! Hey guys, when does a skeleton laugh? When someone tickles his funny bone? Nah mate, when I tell someone a skeleton joke! *BADUM TSS!* NYAH HAH HAH HA! See? I told ya. How do skeletons call their friends? On the teleBONE? No, of course not! I can’t even call any friends. And I don’t even have any friends! *BADUMM TSS* NYAH HA- Nyah ha.. Don’t have any… friends… You alright, Bellend? I-I got to go! *Music* When you got no friends and everybody think you’re a twat Don’t waste your time bying a cat Just travel the world and run away from your problems Reflect on your life in the snowy mountains A journey where it’s just you and your hand for affection Accepting yourself and your imperfections A Deep Journey A Deep Journey It’s A Deep Journey A Lame Deep Journey Finding yourself on a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep journey It’s so damn deep that I’ve gotta say deep five times Deep Journey… Ohh!! *Music ends* Hello Friendlings! I know I’ve been away for quite some time. You were gone for about 30 seconds. 32 mate, get it right. I’ve come to realise that accept myself. I may not be perfect, I may have flaws, but- I still hate you and think you are an absolute bellend. ERR, but I traveled around the mountains! And was self-reflective, was that all for nothing? Yes… But I accept myself! That dosn’t mean I accept you. But you have like me because I’m nice and reflective! What? You’re a mirror? I wish, then I’ll never have to look at him again. *BADUMM TSS* Absolutely wrecked! I hate my life! What are you doing? SSHHHHHH! I’m invisible. HRGH… GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM ME! Sans: Is the lamp talking? Genderless Child: Is the lamp talking? Papyrus: Is the lamp talking? The talking lamp: THE LAMP IS TALKING! The inturrupting old man: The lamp is talking! HA! You have been bamboozeld by the inturrupting old man! TAHLI HOOOOO! I won’t count that one. Thank you. ARGH! YOUR HEAD STINKS! Excuse me?! You know how many people walk along this road and try to hide in me?! The amount of faces I’ve seen?! The amount of heads I’ve been on?! I’m sick of it! But I use special shampoo! Toothpaste ain’t shampoo, Papyrus! Mate, just put him down, he’s a proper angry lamp right now! FINE! Friends? Well, looks like we’re killing a lamp today. Mate, he knows karate! How do you know that? Because that sign, he knows karate. Karate is my weakness. How? Just the word, mate. It freaks me out! KA-RA-TE It just sounds weird… Just saying it sends shivers down my spine! Its ok, brother. If I defeat him will you like me? -No…
-OKAY! U WANT A PIECE OF ME?! Oh, I don’t want a piece of you. I want the entire stock of you from IKEA! ENGARDE! SPECIAL SPIN ATTACK! NO! BRIAN! GOT ANY LAST WORDS? Yes! I WILL NEVER GIVE UP! The Child may not like me, but my reflective journey wa- See? This is why I don’t like you. Are you ok, Brian? I love you too! I want to hug it! I HUGGED HIM FIRST! I don’t like this… What kind of dimension have I just stumbled into? OH! Great tree! I want my… trees I’ve seen! I’m not even a fuckin’ tree… I told him that we loved him, because we dont want him to die! So, is this your death bed right now? Or death snowy mountain? Which is very cold by the way. I wish buddy, I’m so sick of these hippies manhandling me every day. I don’t even get paid for it… Why don’t you charge them then? Five Grambeldies a hug? I can’t, Rudolf will make fun of me… Fair enough. We dont want you to die! We want to know the trees! It’s not even funny! I’m a victim of trees! It was a Sunday morning, I tripped over and fell onto a tree, the tree got lodged in my head, and now I am known as tree head! I’ve heard a lot of tragic back stories recently, but yours is unbeLEAFable. *Laughter* FINE! GO AHEAD! LAUGH AT THE WEIRD TREE-HEAD REINDEER THING! Don’t worry! We still care about you! GROUP-HUG! UGH! The hairy armpits! Ugh!? HAIRY. FEMALE ARMPITS… Tri…TRI……TRRRIIIGGGEERRREEED! Triggered? We don’t even wax them below! TRIIGGGEEERRREED!!! Merry Christmas. *Evil laugh* Holy shit on a podium. What do we do, Dreamer? Uh.. uh… HUG HARDER! *COUGH* Save….me…. sweet prince… Seeing as you ladies won’t shave yourselves. I guess it’s up to me to give you a little Trim.. There you go. Good as new! I feel so.. so rejuvenated, is that a word? Yes, word. SOO REJUVENATED! -The Freshness…
-It’s so smooth! I feel like a person again! BUT LADIES! HAVING HAIRY ARMPITS SHOWS OUR EMPOWERMENT TO THE PATRIARCHY! Personal hygiene. (TRIGGERD!!!) Now that our hairy armpits are gone, we’re no longer classified as monsters! Does that mean that we can leave the underground? Yes Dreamer, and you dont have to dream anymore… Your new human name will be… Steve… Farewell, child! It seems you utilized your triggering abilities to do some good in the world. Apparently so… I’ve decided! I will return to Santa! I miss being his slave and pulling him around! Then godspeed, my friend. LALALALALALALAAAA! SANTA! Tree head! you’ve returned! I’ve missed you tree head. I missed you too, Santa What is this on the back of your head? Wait, what? OH SHIT! Fuck you, Santa… Hey guys. The next episodes coming out in just two weeks so be here in two weeks to check out episode 12. And hit one of the buttons, like the Bell button if you want to be notified when that comes out, and ask a question about If undertale is realistic in the description below. Because we’re gonna be doing a Q&A about undertale realistic on our other channel the smash for the team channel, so ask those questions and we’re gonna get to those sometime in the next couple of weeks on the other channel. And we’ll see you then and two weeks. Good bye!

Real 3 Housewives of Garreg Mach (Fire Emblem 3 Houses Parody Animation)


Alright, here’s the I VI I. Say Sylvain is hitting on some fly girl. You give him one of these. So which house will you choose? Okay, this is comparing apples with nails in it, to oranges with thumbtacks in it, to a pizza that’s clearly been shit on. – So Golden Deer?
– Yes please. Care to join me by the Ferdinand von
Fire? Would you like to be my Ferdinand von Squire? You are Ferdinand von Hired! Wait. This is probably ill-advised. You’re Ferdinand von Fired. *yawns* I sure am Ferdinand von Tired! – What do–
– We need a plan. Ferdinand von Conspire! What I’m saying is… you, Rhea, Flayn and I are like a family. Oh. – …daddy?
– NOPE nope nope by the goddess nope. Sorry Hilda, you failed your test. You’ll have to do detention. Why can’t we go to the sauna like the other class does? I don’t know what kind of sick operation Byleth is operating, but here young lady? We do detention. UGGGH, this class SUCKS. *clears throat in a noble kinda way*
Time for the Ferdinand von Choir! Rhea, can’t we have like, a fourth house? What, do you want me to pull a house out of the sewers or something? Because there’s one down there. I’ll totally do it for you. *whispering*
I love you. Alright, we’re going in the basement. Everyone pick someone from your class. I will take Linhardt, as he is our resident healer and a Crest expert. I will take Ashe, as he always tries his hardest, and his optimism will keep our spirits high. I’ll take Hilda, because this is a
punishment for her. WEAK! Come on, big guy. Let’s go into town, get some drinks, find a few ladies… And then… slaughter Edelgard? – …no, like other ladies that–
– I’ll put her head on a spike, while her body convulses under my boot! Whoa! Dimitri, pull yourself together. *long exhale*
You’re right. I’m cool, I’m calm. Let’s just hit on some of the guards here. Guard? EDELGARD? *extremely rageful scream* Goddess damn it, Dimitri. Mmmmmm, harder, Mommy. You are a Ferdinand von LIAR!! What are you, president of the boar’s fan
club or something? No, I’m simply a member of it. However, I AM president of the Ashe fan club. Welcome to the Bad at the Bitches Club! – It’s actually the Bad Bitches Club.
– Is that not what I am saying? Oh no. I’m in the wrong club. We thought you were dead! We
lit Ferdinand von Pyres! *nobly sobbing*
I was a Ferdinand von Crier! Hey, you want to see something cool? Watch this. – I, Constance von Nuvelle will-
– be lower than the dirt- – unlike House Nuvelle which I will restore-
– unlike myself whose utterly useless to- -behold the glory that is me! What are you gonna do now, teach? Now you’ve got two beautiful scheming assholes. Oh no. -He just threw sand in my face!
– Tactics! I’ve never been Ferdinand von Spry-er! The way you brew this tea is simply noble! Indeed, Ferdinand! I am simply enamored by your noble efforts. I couldn’t have asked for guests with more noble table manners! *bourgeoisie laughter* Ugh, disgusting. That Flame Emperor is kinda cool… don’t you think so, Professor? I heard they’re super hot under that mask. And like, they have an eight-pack. I’m working to pay down my debts here, Professor. Give me five gold and I’ll keep my shirt off. You drive a hard bargain, Balthus. I’m here to Ferdinand von Inspire! I’m not upset with you, I’m upset with myself for believing in you. As you should be! Uhhh, what happened to your eye? I tore it out and shoved it down a fleeing bandits throat so I could see why he was so gutless. Um, gross. But also kind of cool. It’s coming down to the Ferdinand von Wire. In fact, I’d say this is very Ferdinand von Dire! Don’t be suspicious!
Don’t be suspicious!

Monique Marvez • Live In Hermosa Beach “NEW EXCLUSIVE” • Part 1 | LOLflix


FANTASTIC. YOUR HEADLINER COMING TO THE STAGE, YOU’VE SEEN HER ON SHOWTIME, HEARD HER ON KFI, SHOW SOME LOVE FOR MONIQUE MARVEZ! YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY! YAY! IT IS SUPER FULL WHICH IS EXCITING AND THERE’S A LOT OF LADIES IN HERE. IF YOU’RE A LADY MAKE SOME NOISE. I KNOW, I KNOW. HE TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS AN EVENT AND THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY FOR A MULTITUDE OF REASONS ‘CAUSE WHEN YOU’RE A YOUNG WOMAN, YOUNG WOMEN AREN’T NICE TO EACH OTHER. THEY’RE JUST NOT. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE THEY JUST ATE A BAD SHRIMP, THEY’RE LIKE, YOU KNOW, THEY’RE JUDGMENTAL, THEY’RE MEAN, THEY’RE COMPETITIVE. WHEN YOU GET TO BE A CERTAIN AGE, WHEN YOU JUST CHILL, WHEN YOU’RE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SKIN, YOU REALIZE THERE’S NOT A MAN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN’T BE REPLACED BY A WINNING LOTTO TICKET AND A WATER-PICK. SO FUNNY, YOU’RE SMILING BUT YOU’RE LIKE, “WHAT’S THE WATER-PICK FOR?” WHAT’S YOUR NAME, SIR? CLAVEN? CLEMENS, THAT’S A GOOD NAME. CLEMENS, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU BELIEVE THIS BUT WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY HORNIER THAN MEN. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? CALM DOWN, MA’AM. THIS LADY’S LIKE, “I’M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS.” DID YOU KNOW THAT CLEMENS? NO, WELL WE ARE. I KNOW YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT AND I’M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF LIKE A DEATH ROW INMATE. NO, YOU DO, NO, YOU CAN SEE, HE’S GOT THAT DEVIOUS SMILE, HE’S GOT THE LOOK, CLEMENS. BUT, NO, SERIOUSLY. WOMEN ARE HORNIER THAN MEN, WE’RE JUST HORNY DIFFERENTLY. LIKE, MEN ARE HORNY ALL THE TIME. LIKE YOU HAVE A EGG-TIMER DOWN THERE GOING LIKE . CHK CHK CHK CHK CHK CHK LIKE IT’S GONNA RING. WOMEN ARE HORNY IN WAVES, CLEMEN. YOU GOTTA LEARN TO SURF A CHICK, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU GOTTA, YOU CAN TELL, THIS LADY’S, I LOVE THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE, YOU’RE LIKE, “THAT’S SO TRUE.” NOTHING I SAY IS JOKES MA’AM, JUST SO YOU KNOW. I TELL THE TRUTH AND WRAP IT IN BACON SO PEOPLE WILL EAT IT. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY. I JUST TELL THE TRUTH BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY AND THE TRUTH REALLY DOES SET YOU FREE. I TELL PEOPLE, IF YOU OPERATE UNDER THE PREMISE THAT WOMEN ARE CRAZY AND COMPLICATED AND MEN ARE SIMPLE AND DELUSIONAL, YOUR LIFE GETS INSTANTLY WONDERFUL AND, YOU KNOW, I WISH THESE WERE JOKES, YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE, “WELL, THAT’S NOT VERY POSITIVE, “I’M NOT CRAZY.” YEAH, YOU ARE, YOU’RE JUST IN DENIAL. WHAT’S YOUR NAME, PRETTY GIRL? ANNA, VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. ARE YOU LATINA, ANNA? ME TOO, I’M FROM MIAMI, THE CAPITAL OF CUBA. AND HERE’S THE THING, ANNA. WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I’M LATINA ON THE WEST COAST, IT’S A WHOLE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE. THEY’RE LIKE, “YOU DON’T LOOK LATINA.” AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I’M TALL, I’M FAIR-SKINNED, MY CAR INSURANCE IS PAID IN FULL, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNOW, LIKE WHAT’S THE ISSUE, ANNA? YOU KNOW? BUT IT’S BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T REALIZE THAT ALL NATIONALITIES AND CULTURES HAVE VARIETY, YOU KNOW? ENGLISH PEOPLE AREN’T THE SAME AS FLEMISH PEOPLE, OR I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT FLEMISH PEOPLE ARE, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. I JUST KNOW THEY’RE LIKE OVER THE BY FRANCE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, THEY’RE DIFFERENT, WESTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES ARE VERY DIVERSE AND VERY DIFFERENT, THEY’RE NOT THE SAME. LATINOS FOR INSTANCE, MY GRANDFATHER WAS CUBAN, VERY VERY PRIDEFUL CUBAN. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS PUERTO RICAN, DIFFERENT, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, YOU WOULD THINK, “OH, THEY’RE THE SAME. “THEY’RE CARIBBEAN ISLANDS
AND,” NO. THEY USED TO FIGHT CONSTANTLY OVER WHO HAD THE BETTER ISLAND LIKE IT MATTERED. AND THEY WOULD PICK ON EACH OTHER, MY GRANDFATHER WOULD ASK MY GRANDMOTHER, PURA NIEVE THAT WAS HER NAME, PURE SNOW, SHE HAD ZERO SENSE OF HUMOR. NAMES ARE IMPORTANT. IF YOU NAME A LITTLE GIRL PURA NIEVES AND SHE’S CATHOLIC AND HISPANIC IN THE ’20S, NO FUN, RIGHT? AS OPPOSED TO LIKE A TAMMY IN THE ’80S, TOTAL SLUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, NAMES ARE IMPORTANT. ALL AMBERS ARE GONNA SPIN AROUND A POLE EVENTUALLY, YOU KNOW? AND NAMES ARE IMPORTANT. NAMES ARE IMPORTANT. I LOVE THAT MY NAME IS MONIQUE, I DO. I’M A CHARACTER IN A BOOK, IT’S A FANCY NAME, YOU KNOW? IT’S NOT LIKE A HOOKER NAME, IT’S LIKE A CALL GIRL THAT TAKES CREDIT CARDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO, IT’S A FANCY NAME ANNA. I LOVE MY NAME, MONIQUE MARVEZ, NO MIDDLE NAME, I LOVE MY NAME ANNA. SO, YEAH, MY GRANDFATHER, CARLOS, WOULD ASK MY GRANDMOTHER, PURA, HE’D SAY, “PURA, WHY AREN’T THERE ANY PUERTO RICANS “ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE?” AND SHE WOULD SAY, “I DON’T KNOW WHY CARLOS, WHY? HE WOULD SAY, “‘CAUSE YOU DON’T INTEND “TO WORK IN THE FUTURE, EITHER.” YOU SEE HOW THAT, YOU SEE, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! CONTROVERSY, YOU LIKE THAT ONE, I’M GLAD, YEAH, NO. SO IT’S INTERESTING CULTURALLY HOW DIFFERENT PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW? EVEN IF YOU’RE FROM A SIMILAR PLACE OR A KINDA SIMILAR PLACE. PEOPLE CAN BE VERY DIFFERENT AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I THINK THE WORST PREJUDICE IN THE WORLD IS AGEISM. YOU GET TO BE A CERTAIN AGE AND PEOPLE JUST START MAKING, LET ME JUST TELL YOU, CLAP IF YOU’RE UNDER 30. CLAP IF YOU’RE UNDER 30. ALL RIGHT, WHAT’S YOUR NAME PRETTY GIRL? LOOK YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU. GOOD FOR YOU! WHAT’S YOUR NAME PRETTY GIRL? LACY. LACY, OF COURSE IT IS. OF COURSE IT IS, LACY. DID YOU CATCH THAT ANNA? LACY, OKAY, OKAY. SO, YOU’RE UNDER 30 LACY. I’M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, HERE’S A LITTLE TRICK GOD’S GONNA PLAY ON YOU, LACY. YOU’RE NEVER GONNA THINK YOU’RE OLD. OLD IS ALWAYS 20 YEARS OLDER THAN HOWEVER OLD YOU ARE. LIKE, OLD PEOPLE WATCH THE “TODAY” SHOW TO SEE THAT SPECIAL FEEL-GOOD STORY ABOUT THE 105 YEAR-OLD PERSON IN ALABAMA. I’M SERIOUS, LIKE, YOUR PARENTS THINK THEY’RE COOL, LACY. LIKE, I’M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, IF YOU’RE YOUNG AND YOUR PARENTS SAY, “CALL US, LET US KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. “LET US KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GETTING HOME.” IT’S NOT ‘CAUSE THEY GIVE A RAT’S ASS IF YOU’RE IN A CAR WRECK, THEY DON’T CARE. IT’S ‘CAUSE THEY DON’T DO IT THAT OFTEN AND THEY WANNA KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GONNA COME HOME ‘CAUSE THEY’RE NAKED IN THE JACUZZI. THEY DON’T WANT YOU, VIAGRA’S EXPENSIVE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ONCE YOUR DAD TAKES THE PILL, HE WANTS TO KNOW, YEAH, YEAH, IT’S NOT A PRETTY THING FOR YOU TO THINK BUT I’M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW! I’M LOOKING AT THE TWO OF YOU, YOU PROBABLY GET YOUR SONS OLD HOT WHEELS TRACKS AND SPANK EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, I CAN, I’M TELLING YOU. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT’S A WONDERFUL THING, I LOVE BEING OLDER. I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE 25 OR 35. THERE’S LIKE THREE DISADVANTAGES TO BEING OLDER FOR ME. THREE THAT’S IT, THREE. NUMBER ONE, YOU’RE COUNTING THEM. NUMBER ONE, MA’AM, I’LL TELL YOU ONE OF THE DISADVANTAGES. I CAN’T WEAR VINTAGE CLOTHING ANYMORE. I LOVE VINTAGE CLOTHES, I’M A THRIFTER, VINTAGE SHOPPER, ALWAYS WAS. WHEN YOU WEAR VINTAGE CLOTHES AND YOU’RE A CERTAIN AGE, PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE THE ORIGINAL OWNER. THAT PISSES ME OFF. THEY’RE LIKE, “THAT OLD BITCH DRY CLEANED HER CLOTHES.” YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE THAT MAKES ME MAD, ANNA. I DON’T LIKE THAT. I GOT THIS DRESS AT FOREVER 21 ‘CAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE FOREVER 38, SO I AH I BOUGHT THIS DRESS NEW. SO THAT’S NUMBER ONE. YES, YOU’RE COUNTING. THE NUMBER TWO THING ABOUT BEING OLDER IS THAT YOU MISS THINGS. YOU ACTUALLY DO MISS THINGS. THERE’S THINGS IN THE PAST THAT YOU MISS, ANNA. YOU WILL MISS THINGS. LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, YOU DON’T HAVE THE PROBLEM, ‘CAUSE I’M LOOKING AT YOU, SIR. YOU’VE GOT FACIAL HAIR, BASEBALL CAP, SLIGHT POTBELLY JEANS. NO, I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT, YOU’RE A MAN. YOU’RE A MAN. WHAT’S YOUR NAME, SIR? J.J. J.J, OF COURSE IT IS. IT’S A PERFECT NAME FOR A MAN, J.J, I MISS MEN LIKE YOU IN MAN PANTS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, JEANS WITH A FLY AND A BUTTON, YOU KNOW? I LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF HOLLYWOOD, RIGHT? THE MIDDLE, THEY WEAR SKINNY JEANS, LIKE WHAT IS THAT? A GROWN ASS MAN IN JEGGINGS. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING JEGGINGS. BLUE LEGGINGS WITH YOUR LITTLE MOOSE KNUCKLE HANGING OUT, I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! THAT’S NOT MAN PANTS. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STRETCH IN YOUR PANTS, YOU’RE A MAN. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE PANTS LIKE YOU, SIR. LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF LIKE “LAVERNE & SHIRLEY” PANTS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, PANTS! PANTS WITH POCKETS AND YOUR WALLET BULGING IN THE BACK, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE A MAN! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STRETCH. WOMEN HAVE CHILDREN, WOMEN HAVE THE STRETCH MARKS, THEY GET THE STRETCH PANTS. I DON’T WANT YOU IN STRETCH PANTS. IF YOU’RE A GROWN ASS MAN, WEAR MAN PANTS. LIKE I KNOW IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD NOW, J.J. I KNOW NOT EVERYBODY’S LIKE YOU, LIKE A MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I KNOW MEN DO YOGA, I GET IT. BUT I DON’T WANNA SEE THAT CHIT, OKAY? I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU IN MY YOGA PANTS. IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON YOUR BODY NAMED LULULEMON, IT BETTER BE A FRENCH HOOKER, I DON’T WANNA SEE, IF YOU’RE A MAN, IF YOU’RE A MAN WEARING LULULEMON, I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU AT 11:30 IN YOGA PANTS AT WHOLE FOODS DECIDING WHAT TO GET OUT OF THE SALAD BAR. THAT’S NOT MANLY! LIKE, THERE’S A DOUBLE STANDARD, I AGREE, THERE’S A DOUBLE STANDARD. WOMEN HAVE LIVED BY A DOUBLE STANDARD, THAT CUTS BOTH WAYS. LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, MEN. LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. I AM A VEGETARIAN. I DON’T TRUST MEN VEGETARIANS. I DON’T LIKE IT. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO EAT MEAT. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO EAT MEAT AND POTATOES AND STARCH. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO COUNT CALORIES OR CARE ABOUT BEING HEALTHY. I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE FUSSY TABLE MANNERS AND ORDER STUFF ON THE SIDE. I DON’T WANT THAT. I WANT YOU TO EAT LIKE YOU’RE ON “NAKED AND AFRAID”. I WANT YOU TO, I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE FUSSY. I DON’T LIKE FUSSY, IT’S NOT MANLY. AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE PERFECT. I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE PERFECT. I DON’T WANNA HAVE SIX-PACK ABS. I DON’T WHEN THE WAR ON HAIR STARTED EITHER. I LIKE THE HAIR, J.J. IT’S WORKING, THE HAIRY ARMS, YOU’RE NOT CLIPPED UP. YOU’RE NOT WAXED, YOU’RE A MAN. I THINK IT STARTED WITH LASERS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WHEN THEY DID AWAY WITH, THEY GOT LASERS GOING, RIGHT? AND THEN THEY’RE LIKE, “HM, WHAT DOES EVERYBODY HAVE? “HAIR, LET’S CONVINCE ‘EM THAT HAIR IS BAD. “THEN WE CAN USE THESE LASERS AND CHARGE ‘EM.” AND NOW EVERYBODY’S ALL LASERED UP. EVERYBODY’S LASERING EVERYTHING, RIGHT? THE DUDES ARE ALL SHINY. I DON’T WANT THAT. I WANT YOU TO BE A MAN. I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE MANSCAPING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE TAKE SOME SCISSORS ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT I DON’T WANT IT FANCY. THAT TAKES UP TOO MUCH TIME, THAT’S NARCISSISM. WHEN A MAN DROPS TROUSER, IT SHOULD LIKE A BUZZARD HANGING OUT OF HIS NEST ON A CLIFF WALL. I DON’T WANT YOU ALL PERFECT. DON’T WANT YOU ALL SIX-PACK ABS, HAIRLESS, SHINY. IF YOU SPEND THAT MUCH TIME WORKING OUT AND WAXING AND OILING AND CLEANING YOURSELF UP, YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO FIX MY CAR.