*Rain and Thunder* *Rain and Thunder*
[Horse Sounds] *Rain and Thunder* *Camera Snaps* (OH NO, IT’S GAMBALDORK) (AND HIS HORSE) *Evil Horse is Evil* *ooooooooooooooo* Deku Tree: And thus begins the tale of an ever growing evil. And a young boy without a fairy. Navi: God, you still talk to yourself like that? Deku Tree: Oh there you are! I need you to go find me a boy! Navi: You’re summoning a boy this time? Navi: Yeah ok No. Nononono no-no. I am going to draw the line here. Deku Tree: No! No! It’s-It’s not for… I can… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (but still, he is still ten) Deku Tree: I can see why you’d think that. But No! This is for the prophecy! Deku Tree: The boy I need is the one without a fairy. Navi: You and these “Fucking Prophecies” Navi (acting): Bring me a chick without legs, a girl without hair, Navi: And now you’re asking for a boy without a fairy?! Deku Tree: Th-Those first two were actually part of the same prophecy! (Uh… What prophecy?) Deku Tree: Besides, I said it wasn’t one of those things this time. Navi: It’s just the way you said it… More ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (WHY?!?!?!) Deku Tree: How’d I say it..? Navi: You said it kind of pedo-y… Deku Tree: WHAT?! No I didn’t! Navi: Yeah you did! *Both Laugh* Deku Tree: Did it really come off that way? Navi: Kind of sounded like you wanted jailbait. Deku Tree: Whew! Glad we got that cleared up. Deku Tree: Anyway Navi! *game face* This is for the prophecy! Navi: THE prophecy? Do… you really think it’s finally time? Deku Tree: Yes! And I’m assigning you to summon him and travel with him on this journey. Navi: Why me? Deku Tree: You’re the most seasoned soldier in the forest! You’re experienced! Deku Tree: A-and… You’ve got to admit… You’ve been around… Navi: What are you getting at? Deku Tree: I’m not getting at anything! I’m just saying you know your way around Hyrule… (quietly) AND YOU’RE A WHORE Deku Tree: God your so defensive! Navi: (oooh NAvi GOT ROASTED)Best offense is a good defense, sir! Deku Tree: And the best defense is go-find-the-fucking-boy-and-quit-wasting-time! (More dissing) Navi: Geez don’t get your bark panties in a bunch. Deku Tree: I don’t wear panties! Deku Tree: Why dont you… Um… Get your panties out of a pinch! Deku Tree: Yeah that’s what I thought! Deku Tree: We really gotta plant some bitches around here… *Snore*
Link (Mumbling): No Black Rider *snore*
I don’t wanna ride your hors- *Ringing Noise* Navi: OK wake up kid! Navi: Freaking GOD! You little shit! Ow! My Berries! Navi: Your berries? I’m ten, what the hell should I call them? How did you get in here? Navi: I’m very small. I’ve been trained to infiltrate the hardest to reach places… Navi: You have a Tarzan loincloth for a door? (Really? Wtf. No. Seriously. That…IS garbage.) Wh-who are you? Navi: It-it doesn’t matter. I’m just here to summon you to the Great Deku Tree. Aren’t you a little old to be a fairy? Navi: F*** you, you little shit! No wonder you don’t have a fairy! Link: The names Link actually. Navi: Haha! Link? Your parents must’ve hated you!!! Link: CAN’T YOU SEE I’M AN ORPHAN?! *Cries* (lol) Link: And everyone in this town hates me… Navi: Oh um Ok uh…(That’s cold, Yo.) Navi: Well like I said the Great Deku Tree has summoned you! Navi: That’s cool huh? Link: Why would the great *sniffle* Deku Tree *sniffle* Link: Want a stupid orphan? Navi: Well he’s very uh… explorative? Navi: Uh, we do try to put limits on what’s appropriate and not. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Navi: But after the whole…weeping willow Navi: debacle, we just let him do his own thing now- Link: *weeping* I don’t understand! Link: *CRYING INTENSIFIES* Navi: Actually, let me back up… Navi: I don’t know… Why he wants you, I mean… Dude is obsessed with some prophecy… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) You’re a good kid! You’re gonna save the world! Link: Probably just still dreaming… *PUNCH* OUCH! My deku nuts…! *music to listen to while this short becomes even more crazy* Navi: so… we’ll probably have to equip you with some sort of weaponry before we head over to the big guy… Link: What did you have in mind…? Navi: Uh we definitely need a better sword, You need one…. *Cutting grass intensifies* A bow with arrows, FLAMING arrows, and bombs. Lots and lots of bombs. Like, An assload. Link: What about this? *Mighty stick rises* Navi: A stick? I guess that’s a good start but… Link: Wait No! This’ll stop them! *Awesome Nuts heheheheheheh* Navi: Sorry about punching you earlier. Link: Don’t sweat it! Navi: It’s kind of out of character for me. I’m not prone to beating up kids. Random Jerry: There’s that loser without a fairy! *Child Screams*
Navi: Not Putting Up with your shit today Jerry! Uh, sorry what was I saying? Link: You don’t beat up kids? Navi: Right uh…I’m not prone to beating up kids. I’m actually a relatively peaceful fairy. Do you think that you can fit a cannon in your arsenal? *too focused* Navi: How much longer will we be cutting grass? Link: Until I have enough Rupees to buy that shield at the store. Haven’t you’ve been paying attention?
Navi: You’re seriously gonna spend 40 Rupees for that piece of shit deku shield? Dude, I’ll get you a much better shield that won’t take- Link: Look if you got an issue with this, maybe go wait over there with the bridge or something and do fairy things Navi: You know what? I just might! I just might do the shit out of fairy things! I’ll just go over there and float over yander and- *still too focused* Navi: I’m gonna get drunk. *Still too focused… Wait what?* *WHO IS SHEEEEEE* *giggles* *Link has a crussssssh* Nilo: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr.NoFairy! Link: Ha! That’s where you’re wrong Nilo! Because I have a fairy! Her name is Navi and she’s right over there at that bridge! *Ominous music* Creepy Guy: licorice nipples…(RUN LINK RUN) Link: Uh, Navi? *Cracks Knuckles* *Link screaming in agonizing pain while playing with his “nice” friends.* Navi: Oh, what happened to you? Link: My friends played beat the orphan. Navi: Did they win? Link: I have enough money to buy that shield now… Navi: You know your gonna have to- need to learn to protect yourself kid.
(Seriously, you have a sword man, use it) Navi: There are worse things out there than grass *Link Collapses and whimpers* Link: wait till I get meds ;-; Deku Tree: Ah yes. The boy without a fairy returns with one. As the prophecy has foretold. *Navi Moans a bit too sexually* The servants of evil gained strength and our land is in danger, The prophecy has told- Navi: Holy tits, just get on with it Deku! Deku Tree: Navi, are you drunk? Navi: I never found my vagina. (Ok wtf at this point.) Link: Great Deku, why did you summon me? Deku Tree: Link, i have been cursed by a rider in black. Link: I saw a rider in black in my nightmare! Deku Tree: No shit, i wonder if that’s the same guy? *Navi talking while yawning*
Navi: Too hot out here, can we turn the sun off for a few minutes? Deku Tree: Link, dath thou hath the courage to take this quest and gain the wisdom to break the curse? Yes or No? Link: uh… What if i said no? Deku Tree: Wh-what? Why would you say no? Link: Okay so yeah i’m an orphan and everyone hates me, sure. But I’m actually kinda comfortable here One. Money is definitely not an issue, I can just cut grass and bushes for rupees Two. I’ve been working this girl Saria and I think I actually have a chance with her I can save up some money, buy a little place Navi: Man you really want her
*whispers* get her pregnant~ Link: Navi you’re…kinda making me uncomfortable. *whispers*
Navi: With your Pee pee!! Link: You can stop now. Deku Tree: Link, you don’t want to settle with the first person that shows interest , trust me. Many years ago, when I was just a stick in the mud,I fell for a gorgeous green plant, Love at first sight. *YEAH NOPE* (OH HELL NAH) Link: What happened?
Deku Tree: It was poison ivy, got all over my trunk. It was awful, just Fucking awful. And because i didn’t really have any branches long enough to… scratch it. I…I had to bed a stray dog to-
bite and lick me. Link: OK I’LL DO IT, JEEZ! Deku Tree: Great! *CREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK* Deku Tree: Link, Navi, Go find and destroy this curse.
Come inside of me. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) *Navi Chuckles and soon Deku joins* Link: What? Whats so funny? Navi: Nothing….Just pretend he’s Saria~ Link: LALALALALA NOT LISTENING! *Link continues to block out noises*
Navi: Wait ride me *Link continues to block out noises* *Link continues to block out noises*
Deku Tree: And so Link accepted the quest and thus began his journey towards fulfilling- Navi: Stop doing that Deku. *Deku Tree Whispers*
the prophecy~ *Spider joins the battle!* Link: Oh GAWD A SPIDER! Navi: Do you have to do that everytime? [Blurts Information] Link: Ahh there’s another spider! Are we lost? I’m still kinda freaked out we might be in a tree’s asshole. There’s nothing above us *Link screams like a bitch* Navi: Son of a Bitch not again.
*Link screams like a bitch* Six times now! Six times now! Six!!! Link: Thanks for the warning. Again… *pants* So very kind you are. Navi: Hey listen I’m not your bitch. And guess what its just temporary. Link: I can’t believe that everything I kill always comes back when I pass through again! That’s retarded! *Sword swish* Follow me I found the room we haven’t been in yet. Link screams like a bitch again Navi: Ohh for the love of Nayru. Is that the room? Link: Yeah I think. Navi: Well let’s go and see *Door opens* Yeah I don’t think…. What are you doing we’re in a tree you idiot are you trying to get us all killed *link screams* Link: Why would they put torches in a wood tree man of wood Do you know that wood burns *Bitch link scream #4* Ahh my ballsack… Navi:Link take a look at your right hand please Link: What do I? all I have is a shield… OHh. Deku Scrub: Ahh.. Master I’m so sorry. Please forgive me I can make it up to you I promise Link: How? Deku scrub: You’re going to run into my three older brothers In the next room I can tell you how to defeat them if you like. Yeah? Link: Uhh… Deku Scrub: Or no? Link: UHHHH? Deku Scrub: Or yes link: UhHHhh… Navi: Say yes idiot *Battle music* Older Scrub #3: huhooww… guw Older Scrub #2: How did you know how to defeat us? Link: Your brother told me. Older Scrub #1: ohh gengety! Older Scrub #3: Told you we should never have told him that secret. Older Scrub #2: well fine if that’s how its gonna be now then we’ll just tell ya how to defeat Queen Gohma. Older Scrub #2: well fine if that’s how its gonna be now then we’ll just tell ya how to defeat Queen Gohma.
Navi: Wait seriously Older Scrub #2: well fine if that’s how its gonna be now then we’ll just tell ya how to defeat Queen Gohma.
Link: Wait who’s Queen Gohma? Older Scrub #3: She’s the huge spider that rules over Older Scrub #3:All of this tree, duh. Older Scrub #2: What a Bitch- Wait actually that you would be doing us a favor. Older Scrub #1:Okay Kid, Did you find any Deku Nuts? Link (Proudly): I did. *Poorly Made Remix of the Boss Theme* Older Scrub #1: After that, you can strike her with your sword. (oooooooo get rekt son) (oooooooo get rekt son x2) Older Scrub #2: This is where it get’s a litttle bit tricky. Link: How so? Older Scrub #2: You have to kill her babies. *Ear rape phase 2 begins* LOOK OUT!
MOVE OUT YOU FREAKING IDIOT
OH MY GOD
THE [C]-RIGHT YOU FUCKING MORON OKAY, HIT HIM IN THE EYE HIT THE RED GLOWING PART LOOK HIS EYE IS VULNERABLE WHEN HIS EYES ARE RED LEFT- THE OTHER LEFT *Navi Continues Instructing Link* Navi: Hell yeah Navi: Hell yeah
Link: Alright I did it! Link: Uh… Link: Uh… What’s That? Link: Uh… What’s That?
Navi: I Don’t know… Navi: I Don’t know…
Link: Should we take it? Link: ehhhh probably shoudn’t. Navi: Ya don’t want to mess with shit
You don’t understand. OOH GOD- A SPIDER Hi I subtitled a lot of this- my name is Kyle Lee just wanted to say a personal hello during the transition. And there you have it-
[End Dialogue Commences]
[Well bye] *End Cards*
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[Also shoutout for some other captioners for helping to correct my mistakes] END.
Hello, my name is Kyle. If you can read this, congratulations! You wasted a minute of your life pausing and unpausing to read this message!